Tuesday, March 17, 2009

We did it. We rented the movie that all Christian couples are either raving about or critiquing. Last night, Greg and I watched Fireproof. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical before watching it. I mean, a Christian movie about marriage? Just didn't really sound like an edge-of-your-seat-can't-miss-it blockbuster. Even during the first five minutes, I had to let go of the "the acting isn't that great, this is going to be cheesy!" attitude. Doing so allowed me to receive an amazing message.
I actually loved it. I think it has a lot more to do with what God has been doing in my own heart and marriage than anything else.
I have spent ten years married to a guy that I always knew was a good guy. I have always admired his zeal for God and ministry. I have also been jealous of it. I have appreciated his dedication and determination to accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Sometimes. Other times I get just plain frustrated over it. Not sure why.
So for ten years, I looked at HIM for everything from affirmation to security to provision. Always critical, always frustrated. I wanted a robot, someone who wouldn't fail me. Someone who would always say the right thing and put me above EVERYTHING else. Sheesh...
Unfortunately, it took ten years for me to see what I was really doing. And even then, it's been somewhat gradual.
The simplest way to put it is this: I have always seen myself as the victim of all that's around me. Greg is supposed to rescue me from it all. If he doesn't, it's because he "doesn't get it".
WHAT? How about realizing how blessed I am and being thankful to the point of tears that I have such a great guy to share it with?
That's been the big change. Instead of fighting all that I wish he was, all that I wish I had, I'm seeing more and more of how lucky I am. Goodness, I could've ended up with anyone. Thank you Jesus for giving me EXACTLY who I've got. And thank you for keeping him here when what I really deserved was for him to run out the door.
Watching the movie last night was very emotional for me. It was like God was saying, "You see? This is what I have been trying to tell you!"
When I got married I was 20. I was oblivious. I had crazy expectations, which led to serious disappointment. Poor Greg!
Finally, at 30, I'm realizing a bit more of what this marriage thing is all about. And boy, it's far from what I thought! Less romantic, sure, but also so much more amazing than I ever thought it would be.
While watching the renewal of vows scene during last night's movie, I thought back to my wedding. I thought back to the person I was at that time. I wish I could go back. I wish I could have been the wife that Greg really deserves. I wish I could have given him so much more over the past ten years. I am thankful for the opportunity to change. And, hopefully, to give him fifty more years with a wife that sees him for who he really is.
God has been good. I am incredibly lucky.

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