Always an adventure

Lessons in Grace

2011-12-28T23:05:00.004-05:00

Shame on me. Almost nine whole months since my last post.

We are on Christmas break. I have a few seconds more in my day than I usually do.

Which means that the random ramblings which roll through my mind during the day can find their way to this little blog.

Let's see, since my last post in April, I've given birth to my sixth baby, my fourth girl. Eleanor Mae arrived mid-May and has stolen the heart of every member of this family.

We have returned to homeschooling. My, what a challenge it has been. Mostly because I am selfish and I want a clean house and to teach my kids without interruption. That will never happen as my head says it shall, and the sooner I get over it, the better off we will be.

Having six kids has humbled me. Oh, how it has humbled me. I need God's grace.

Finding a daily groove is hard. But I can do it. I will get through that part. But the weight of the responsibility for six lives, six souls, is what is often too much for me to bear. It crushes me and keeps me awake at night.

I want what is best for my children. Who doesn't? I want them to eat well and to grow with strong bodies and sound minds. I want them to love each other, and respect me their whole life long. I want them to find the one that was created for them, to love them and cherish them, and to become parents themselves.

But mostly, more than anything, I want them to love Jesus.

And the lesson has been that my job, my biggest job, is to show them what that's like. To show them what a blessing it is to love Jesus. To be so deeply in love with Him myself that they can't help but want Him.

Help me, Jesus!

We DID IT!

2011-04-03T21:24:00.004-04:00

above pic: just beyond the finish line

Saturday morning, I jogged through my first 10K. I know that there are women out there that run marathons while pregnant, and the 6.2 miles that I got through would be nothing for them. But it was far from nothing for me. At 35 weeks pregnant, it was one of the greatest physical challenges I've ever experienced. I loved/hated every second of it.

When it was over, I compared the mental challenge of finishing to that of labor. It was such a mind game, and I moved much slower than I would have in a non-pregnant state. But I finished it.

I prayed through much of the race. There was a man that we passed at around mile 1 and then again at around mile 5, a Christian R & B singer/rapper, singing and preaching to the crowd. When we passed him at mile 5, he was shouting, "the joy of the Lord is your strength", over and over. Thank you, God, for that man!

There is something divine about the fact that Friday was one of those, "I give up; I can't do this" days in which Greg came home to a crying wife. God knows. Because Saturday, as I crossed the finish line, I was close to tears. I did it. I can do it. Thank you, Jesus!

I'm not sure what meant the most...

that I finished it at all, baby lodged between my hips the whole time,

that one of our closest friends drove an hour to be a good sport & run along with us,

that Greg (a total non-runner, always hated it) remained at my side the whole time, even though, after weeks of training, he could have left me in his dust,

or that my Emily, 10, ran it and totally kicked my butt, beating me by seven minutes. *so proud*

I'm just happy to relive those last ten seconds of sprinting (as close to sprinting as I can) to the finish line, feeling Greg slip behind me on purpose to let me cross first. And then his arm around me...

We did it.

The Greatest Challenge

2011-03-29T09:44:00.002-04:00

Goodness, it's been a while since my last post. A whole trimester, technically. (You know you've been pregnant a lot when you base time on "trimesters".)

I watched a show recently where there was a woman about to have her seventh child. She was begging the doctor to make sure this baby was her last. She pleaded, explaining that she had been hospitalized in the past because she was dehydrated, too busy to drink a sip of water for three days.

Now, really, it was a bit ridiculous to hear, but something about seeing this fictitious woman whine about her life allowed my heart to go to a very tempting place: the abyss of self-pity.

I'm tired.

I have a lot on my plate.

I'm having a hard time juggling.

I don't think that there has ever been a period of time when I've told my husband more often how exhausted I am, or cried to God that I needed strength. But there is a strange pattern in this house where, by God's grace, a bad day is always followed by a good day. So we roll up our sleeves and press on, praying that we don't mess up these little lives we've been entrusted with.

It works. Sometimes it's hard...REALLY hard...but we're okay. We are blessed.

"Be content with what you have, for I will never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

It's no coincidence that this quote came to me recently:

"Not a morbid martyr complex but a peaceful and happy contentment in the assurance that goodness and mercy follow all the days of our lives. Wouldn't our children learn godliness if they saw the example of contentment instead of complaint? Acceptance instead of rebellion? Peace instead of frustration?"
Elizabeth Elliott, "Keep A Quiet Heart"

Am I the character on the TV show, needing sympathy, full of frustration? Do my children see me that way? Do I see myself that way? God, help me when I do.

It's not easy to be full of contentment. On the way to the Promised Land, how many times were the Israelites chastised for murmuring? On the way to the Promised Land!?

I'm 34 weeks pregnant. I'm tired. I'm feeling like the cup is always half-empty lately.

But I have much to be grateful for. I am on my way to the Promised Land. God has been good. I pray that my husband and children find me full of contentment and not self-pity.

I can. I will. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience His grace for another day.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Stuart Townend

Tiny Dancer

2010-12-30T14:31:00.003-05:00

Humbled.

Undeserving.

Thankful.

We saw baby #6 dance across the ultrasound screen today. Just as much as with the first, I was amazed at how the tiny little taps I feel in my belly become so real after seeing baby's face. This little person will one day smile at me, reach for me, tell me their dreams...and I got to see the first glimpses of them today.

My heart is overwhelmed. Christmas, though difficult with a husband with the flu, was beautiful. God's grace is so real right now. I've lost my dad, tried to grow up too fast, had marriage struggles, dealt with insecurity as a mom, but in the end, He has given much, and I am undeserving. Because of His grace, I have more than I could ever ask for. And nothing else matters. Truly, nothing else matters.

With each little blessing that He's given me (and by that, I mean child), He has melted me more & more. Where I was once cold and angry, I am content. I am learning how to trust and love my Heavenly Father, my husband, and my role as a mother. For those three things, I am most grateful.

Now, each of my pregnancies have been quite predictable. I feel exactly the same with each girl baby, and exactly the same with each boy baby.

But this little one threw me for a loop. I was SURE it was a boy...

But, in May, we will welcome our fourth baby girl.

And, for the first time, today, I saw her dance.

"now she's in me, always with me,

tiny dancer in my hands...

But, oh, how it feels so real

Lying here with no one near

Only you, and you can hear me

When I say softly, slowly...

Hold me closer, tiny dancer...

...you had a busy day today..."

-elton john

See you soon, little one...

Gone so long...

2010-11-19T08:03:00.005-05:00

Today is my dad's 57th birthday. His last birthday celebrated on earth was his 44th.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

The worst part about missing him these days is that I'm starting to realize that, what I knew was inevitable, is happening. It has been SO long that he's been gone. I know life without him far better than I remember life with him. And I remember that first year, realizing that I'd feel that way some day. It stinks.

He wasn't there when I came home, ready to show off my new engagement ring on my 20th birthday. I didn't walk him through my first home as I awaited my wedding. And, as blessed as I was to have my brother walk me down the aisle, I remember waiting at the back of the church, aching for my dad's arm to grab on to.

Those events were SO long ago...and it's been all this time, all this life lived, without him here.

I can't imagine the thrill I'd feel to watch him with my Emily, his first grandchild. Or hear him teach Kaleb and Levi everything there is to know about every major league baseball player that's ever played. And, oh, man...he'd love Avery's quirky, pretty personality. And my sweet Nadie would love his singing. He had the sweetest voice.

As I await the arrival of this baby, I also anticipate the bittersweet moments that follow the birth of each of my babies. Because, every single time, my first thought is, "Thank God you are OUT!" My second thought is, "You are beautiful and we are blessed."

And my third, "I wonder if Dad can see..."

Happy birthday, Dad. I carry you with me always.

*photo above: me & my dad, 1982? with a little added design from one of my kids

Better every day...

2010-11-01T16:07:00.003-04:00

Sweet baby, I am glad you're there. And I'm glad you're growing. You are officially the size of a Nutter Butter, one of my favorite treats.

I'm especially glad that we are getting out of our first trimester together. We passed the 13-week mark this past weekend.

It has been rough.

I spent three weeks feeling like I was on another planet, overwhelmed with my household and taken over by fatigue and nausea. I finally figured out my biggest problem: I was drugging myself. Yes, this pregnant mama was taking Unisom (doctor's orders!) for nausea, and it took me three weeks to figure out that a sleeping pill just might be making me sleepy.

The day I stopped taking it, my world changed. I wanted to be a part of life again. I started to grow more excited about all that we need to do to prepare for this baby.

Top two on our priority list:

1. Rotate most of the kids to different bedrooms (redecorating two of them) to make room for another little guy. (Yes, I think it's a boy!)

2. Get an 8-passenger vehicle.

I am looking forward to both. Especially the redecorating part.

Here we go, baby...

Love BEFORE first sight...again

2010-10-01T15:00:00.003-04:00

That's right...I get to do it again.

If you follow me, you know that we have felt quite blessed and quite satisfied with our house full 'o five kiddos. Our fifth was a surprise that took some getting used to. But, my oh my, were we ever in love with her by the time she arrived!

We learned a lot.

Like trusting that God has all things under His control.

That's how we know that we can rest and feel secure at our latest bit of news:

Yes, we are growing. This spring, we will welcome baby #6 to our brood.

If you follow me, you also know that I am obsessed with pregnancy & childbirth. I am in training to become a doula (and yes, I am still following through with the training).

I love the process of falling in love with a person before you ever even see his/her face. I love knowing that person is always with me, growing inside of me. And I love, love, love that moment when we meet.

And I am blessed, thankful, humbled to say, we are doing it again.

God is good.

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you have planned for us, no one can recount to you. Were I to speak of them, they would be too many for me to declare. Ps. 40:5

Crafty...

2010-09-24T11:27:00.003-04:00

I started scrapbooking when my oldest was just under one year old.

I captured the first six months of her life.

That was over nine years ago, and I've yet to capture anything else from her childhood or any of my other four children's. It's sad.

This would help a LOT!

My new favorite house ever

2010-09-22T14:30:00.002-04:00

I am such a sucker for DIY home decorator blogs. I find them so inspiring.

I just found one that may be my favorite design ever.

My favorite room: her master bath. So pretty. So Anthropologie.

My favorite kinds of houses look like modern cottages on the outside, full of pretty details and flowers. Just like the outside of theirs:

I'm going to try not to covet too much.

Do you have a favorite home blog?

We're all grown up...

2010-09-21T13:13:00.003-04:00

I have much to share and much I still will, soon, but it is of utmost importance to mention how I spent last week.

One of my oldest, dearest friends came to Richmond.

Aahhh....

The same girl that I remember giggling with late at night, as my dad threatened to take away my sleepover rights unless we "got to sleep!" was here, with her family.

It was something I've waited for since we moved here, four years ago.

I've wanted to share simple things with her, like where I cook my meals, where I do my grocery shopping, which Target I frequent.

And, even more, I wanted to share with her why we are in love with our new hometown. The history. The funky shops & restaurants. The beach. The mountains. The river. And all of the other perks of being a Virginia resident. She got it. She saw it. She loved it.

I had the privilege of spending a day with her kids while she and her husband took a quick trip to Charlottesville. At the end of that day, I was truly emotional. I got to read a story to my 3 year old girl and her 4 year old boy, who became quite special friends by the end of the trip. I got to "put to sleep" her little girl, who looks just like her, by snuggling her until she slept. Even the fights between our two year olds was sweet, because, when she yelled at my son, she called him "Buddy".

It was irreplaceable to see our children really become friends, and to spend more than our typical, yearly three hours together.

I can still see them holding hands and walking through the mall together...

What you take away

2010-09-14T07:44:00.003-04:00

What have you learned from your mother?

Every day, I think about what I would like my kids to take from their childhood. There are a few things that I hope that they will never forget.

For example:

Your parents will love you and forgive you always.

You are never to old to be held.

The opinion of others doesn't matter. The only opinion you should care about is that of your Heavenly Father.

Whenever you want to show someone how much you love them, make them something. Learn to sew for this reason. Learn to cook for this reason. Nothing means as much as it does if you made it yourself.

I hope that, each day, more and more, this advice becomes real to my children. I hope that I can be a good example of someone who cherishes people more than things. I hope they know how much they have changed me.

Oh, how I love them...

Just a few more hours, please?

2010-09-08T19:57:00.004-04:00

I have so many things that I wish I had the time and energy to do/make these days. Just need a few more hours in the day, or a body that requires less sleep.

One of my favorite websites, Prudent Baby, inspired me with this post. I made my own easy version as a gift today. Here she is:

I want one for myself. So soft & snuggly.

Now, I'm dying to make this. Think I'll find the time?

The REAL Labor Day!

2010-09-06T21:08:00.002-04:00

Here's to LABOR day. I am thinking of all of my babies and considering the celebration of MY Labor Days: the day of each of their arrivals. Every second of the pain that my body experienced to bring you all into this world was worth the joy of seeing your faces for the first time, if even for a moment. And I have been blessed with many, many more moments gazing upon your beautiful, chubby, growing smiles.

If I could go back, I would go through labor all over again. The five days I spent experiencing your births were the five most glorious days of my life.

Happy Labor Day to every mama out there. Take a moment to think about the day(s) you welcomed your child(ren) into the world. Celebrate TRUE labor.

Not afraid to do it all

2010-09-05T14:04:00.002-04:00

Lots going on around here at the J House.

Hence the lack of posts!

Special family has moved into town. Preparations for second and fifth grade. Last bits of pool time. Soccer is officially on. I attended my first birth that will count towards my doula certification. (more on that to come!)

Life happens so fast. I have no idea where the summer went.

I just saw a great idea that I must share and must do myself. Corey from Life with Little Ones shows her way of reminding herself of her "hearts desires" in this post.

Let's not forget to take time to dream. And to live out those dreams with the ones we love.

The way things change

2010-08-11T07:45:00.003-04:00

I've written several times about how differently I'm parenting my youngest kids than I did my first two.

See, my older ones were 6 and 4 when we got started again. Not old by any means, but the second round of babies were 17 months apart and then 14 months apart. So having a 4-year break sounds huge for me now.

I don't think I was ever really high-strung, but being surrounded by laid-back mamas and having a big family will force anyone to chill out a bit.

At Christmastime, 2006, my older son was 4. My husband started talking about how badly he wanted to get him a gun & holster, like a cowboy. I argued and argued. "We can't teach him that violence is okay, that it's cool! A GUN???"

(sidenote: I'm not making any political statements about the second amendment here. That's not the point...)

Christmas came. My son opened a present and found the guns inside of their holsters, fake gunshot sounds & lights amazing him. He LOVED them. I sat there praying that he wouldn't become a murderer someday.

Today, my big boy is almost 8. He doesn't talk obsessively about killing people, by the way.

My little boy is 2.

And on any given day, you can find my little guy running up to me with a light sabre or toy gun or stick, yelling, "Mommy, I kill you!"

And I'm not cringing, not praying that he won't really kill me one day. I'm falling to the ground, holding my side in pretend agony, howling about how he "GOT ME!" and then jumping up and "killing" him.

Oh, gracious...

Getting closer!

2010-08-02T14:50:00.009-04:00

I've finally got some "after pictures". Boy oh boy, it's been a long time coming.

Poor Greg has been working 45-50 hours a week, and spending his weekends on a ladder with a brush in hand. But it's been worth it. Our little trilevel cottage at the pond is almost finished.

I want to remind you of the before:

And, now, finally, some "afters"...

And, yes, our door is bright lime green!

Here is the before:

and after...

Ever since we moved to Richmond, we've been eyeing these storm doors that are on every other house in one of our favorite parts of town. Well, we GOT one. Love it!

and, I know that this one's hard to see, but here is the landscaping before:

(plus a couple of cute kids on their first day of school!)

and after:

Progress, part 2

2010-07-26T13:28:00.005-04:00

If you didn't read this post, I should start by saying that we are amidst a lot of changes around here.

Aside from doubling our family size in the last four years, we've gone from owning a home in Western New York, to living with my mom for six months with two kids, to living in an 1100 sq. ft. apartment here in Richmond, to owning and changing our new home.

It's been quite a ride.

At this point, we're done with the major cleanup that required two years of our time. Seriously, two years. This property was a mess.

This year has been all about planting and painting and slowly seeing progress.

I'm still not ready to show the "after" picture, but here's a peek at one little minor detail:

It's amazing what a silly little thing like a light fixture can do to change things up.

Here is the ugly, dated, before:

and the after:

I'm not sure why the paint color looks so different; it's not...

Maybe it's the aura of our new, fun light!

Nadia Claire

2010-07-08T08:31:00.003-04:00

One year ago today, we welcomed our fifth and final baby into the world.

She is proof that God knows best.

Learning that I was pregnant with her was not the joyful experience that I've had with my other kids. Seeing those two little lines on the stick was still tear-jerking, but more like how-are-we-going-to-do-this-please-help-me-survive-God than the romantic tears we've cried seeing them before.

We were done.

Beyond done.

It's a good thing that it's God's design for us to be pregnant for nine months, because over the course of that amount of time, I surrendered and fell hopelessly in love with my surprise baby. What a gift to experience life inside of me once more.

By the time she was born and I saw her face for the first time, I had forgotten about how scared I was at the thought of another baby.

She was mine. And I loved her just as much as I did my others.

I heard a quote once, a long time ago. It was in an email about things that you shouldn't assume or something of that nature. It went something like this: "If you think you can't love your fifth child as much as your first, talk to a mother of five kids."

No lie. It said five kids. And it stuck with me (now I know why).

"Nadia" is slavic for "hope".

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" --Jeremiah 29:11

When you think you know what you want, remember that God knows what lies ahead. Trust that He will bring it to past and that you will be delighted with what He has for you.

I know I am.

Progress

2010-07-03T17:26:00.007-04:00

It's happening...

Slowly but surely, it's happening.

When we moved into our house, three years ago, we were a happy little fam of five. With a seven year old, five year old, and an infant, I could somewhat envision how our messy property and dated house could become potentially-perfect for us.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I got pregnant again.

Now, our house seems smaller, and projects take much more effort and determination to complete. Potential was much harder to see, much less carry out.

But it's happening.

A few months back, I posted this picture of our house, the way it looked when we bought it:

The work has been endless. And isn't easy with three kids three and under running around! We've been busy rebuilding the wall of the pond so that the house doesn't one day fall into it. (There are now posts where a picket fence will one day be.)

Ripping out shrubs. Replacing shrubs. Building brick walls. Ripping out fences. Knocking down sheds. Grading the land and planting grass.

Up until this year, it was hard to see the improvement. Greg's a big "behind the scenes" kind of guy. (Straightens closets when the house needs to be cleaned, that sort of thing.) It's good, though. He clears and straightens the canvas so that the final painting will look its best. That's hard for me when I want to just change everything and see results.

Since we're nowhere near done, I have been hesitant to post an update. But I have gotten yelled at for posting "before" pictures without any "afters". So how about some "during"s? This is what the house looks like today:

*forgive the sun & shadows; I'm still taking Photo Booth pics on my laptop, without my camera :(

As you can see by the ladder out front, we're amidst continual painting. The door color will change (the color may shock you!) And we're putting in the one piece that I have been dreaming about since we moved to Virginia...a Richmond storm door. Keep checking to see the final reveal on my little FULL house!

yikes

2010-06-29T13:41:00.002-04:00

under construction...this blog's a mess! please excuse...j crew mama has been playing around and doesn't have time to clean up her mess...

bad mama...

Remembering

2010-06-15T14:34:00.002-04:00

Twelve years.

Today is twelve years.

Last year, I posted about the day my dad died. Every June 15th, that day comes back to me with a flood of tears.

Today, my sister and I are trying to remember the little things about him that are starting to fade.

His laugh. His hugs. The way he'd brush our hair when we needed some Daddy time.

But, with each year, it's harder to remember.

My sis was twelve when he died. So this year means that she's spending more of her life with him gone that she did with him here. She remembers even less than I do.

His laugh is hard to remember, but I remember that it was mostly silent. Like one of those laughs that's more airy and sort of wheezy. It was even that way when he wasn't sick. I guess my brother's is kind of like that, when I think about it.

He had these perfect hands. He could be a hand model. He always kept good care of his fingernails.

It's funny, when I see his face, my brother looks so much like that picture in my head. Even the way that he rolls his eyes and shakes his head at things when they're funny and sort of ridiculous reminds me of my dad.

But there's not much. I don't remember what it was like to hug him or have him hold me. The only touch I remember is how his body felt when I first saw him after he died, in his hospital room. I remember falling into his lap and holding on, wanting him to hold me. I remember how still his legs were. I remember the feel of his knees on my one elbow. And his lifeless abdomen on my other.

I want to remember much more than that. So badly.

I knew that this day would come. I knew that one day, it would have been so long that I wouldn't remember what it was like when he was a part of my life.

I just want to remember so much more of what it was like when he was.

Yum yum...and good for you, too!

2010-06-07T11:28:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite things about cooking is when you can pull off something that tastes like a treat, but it's actually good for you.

I've had a couple of requests for the recipes of oatmeal bars (good for you) and black bean brownies (not great, but way better for you than traditional brownies!).

Here they are:

Oatmeal Bars

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix the following in a large bowl:

2 1/2 cups rolled oats (not the "quick" kind)

1 cup walnuts (roughly chopped, I like to leave big chunks!)

1/2 cup or more dried cranberries (or raisins)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

Then, in another bowl, combine:

2 cups milk

1/3 cup honey (you can use more or less; I've made it with none and they're still good and wholesome-tasting!)

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

Mix the two bowls together and then pour into a greased or parchment lined 13x9 pan. Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until the corners are golden-brown. Allow to cool and cut into rectangles. These also freeze nicely. I like to wrap individually in plastic and then grab one (or a bunch for the kids) from the freezer in the morning. They're perfectly thawed by lunchtime!

Also, these are great with a plop of vanilla yogurt for breakfast! They're soft and filling!

Black bean brownies

This recipe is a little more informal. I am not sure where I first heard of it, but I definitely didn't make it up myself. I'm not that creative.

You take a boxed brownie mix (bonus if it's organic!), and a can of plain ol' black beans. Drain the beans, put them back into the can and then top off the can with water. Place them in a food processor and puree them until you can barely see bean skins. Mix them with the boxed brownie mix, replacing anything that the box says to add.

Then, follow the box directions for baking.

That's it! Extra fiber...never a bad thing. And from brownies.

PS: No one will ever know what's in these unless you tell them. Honest...

Bittersweet

2010-06-01T09:58:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time since my last post.

That can only mean one thing: it has been insanely busy here at the J house. We had double duty last week, while soccer was still in full swing amidst the first week of swim team. Phew...

I am thankful that we celebrated the end of soccer this weekend and are in full pool mode. We spent the entire day swimming yesterday. My oldest two have the hot pink backs to prove it. (Bad Mommy assumed that they lubed themselves up while I was covering the three little ones in sunscreen! Oops!)

Just in this past week, Emily and Kaleb are improving so much in their swim skills. They have spent the last couple of years on the sidelines cheering on their buddies. This year, they're part of the team for the first time. Last Monday, Emily was in tears, confessing that swim team is "WAY harder" than she thought it would be. Yesterday, she swam about 25 laps "just for fun".

The weekend was strange, though, and I found it difficult to truly relax. My family in NY is mourning the loss of my mom's sister, who passed somewhat suddenly last week. At 48, she leaves a daughter in her 20s and two grandkids who will rely just as much on stories of their Grammie as on memories.

I must have mortality on my mind more than I realize, because I have been having those crazy dreams where someone I love is gone, only to wake and remind myself that I haven't lost them. It's awful. I spent at least an hour this morning trying to snap out of it. Assuring myself that all is okay in my house. My kids are safe. My husband is healthy. I mourn my aunt, and thank Jesus that I have who I have.

It's funny how death does that. You go to a funeral, you come home and hug your kids. You love your spouse a bit better.

Even if I lost all of my earthly possessions, I lack nothing. I am blessed.

Even when life is busy and the kids are screaming, I am blessed.

Joy comes in the morning

2010-05-08T13:08:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It is a blessing to have a great Mom. It is a blessing to be surrounded by friends and family that are also great examples of motherhood.

It is time to celebrate the gift of life and the joy of being a mother.

But this weekend, I have a heavy heart. I've felt it for the past couple of days.

I'm thinking of one Mother in particular that won't wake to her little 21-month old's giggles. She won't hear her husband tell her child to kiss Mommy because it's Mother's Day. Instead, she will feel that deep twinge that she's felt so often in the past year and a half since she lost him.

My nephew is with Jesus. His Momma, my sister, has empty arms this Mother's Day. And it's hard to rejoice in your own blessings when another has had hers ripped away.

Thankfully, there is another life on the way. She just started feeling her baby moving. This little one, her third pregnancy, will fill part of the void in her heart. She will have a baby in her arms next Mother's Day. She's told me that the loss that turned her world upside down has made this experience all the sweeter. It has given her a greater joy than she's ever known.

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Joy is on its way. We weep. We mourn. We question God's sovereignty. But joy is on its way.

My heart aches for my sister. For every woman that has felt the joy of motherhood and then found themselves at a small grave.

Weeping is okay.

But may you find JOY unspeakable in unlikely places this Mother's Day.

Widdlytinks

2010-05-04T09:58:00.003-04:00

Just a quick note...

If you noticed my little Widdlytinks at the bottom of this page,

YES I know that the man in the pic does a very poor job representing Greg. Greg is 6'3", and this man appears to be 5'1"...

My options were limited, okay?

And the results are in...

2010-05-01T00:32:00.002-04:00

Finally, all five of my kids have had recent physicals. We avoid going to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. (I could elaborate on that...but I'll save that for another time...)

However, Monday we completed their most recent physical exams. We are blessed to have boring doctor's appointments. Thankfully, our kids are healthy.

And tall...

Emily is in the 97th percentile for height, and 80th for weight.

Kaleb is in the 77th percentile for height, 73rd for weight.

Avery is in the 96th percentile for height, 92nd for weight.

Levi is in the 75th percentile for height, 40th for weight.

Nadia is in the 90th percentile for height, 43rd for weight.

Somehow, my two babies are skinny...despite the fact that they can get their grub on.

All of my friends know that my kids can clear a banquet table...

...Can you imagine my groceries in a few years???

What I wish...

2010-05-01T00:12:00.004-04:00

My sis is with child.

It's fantastic. If you know nothing about what she's been through, you have to read up on it.

So far, she's had one early sonogram. Enough to know that, thankfully, this baby looks healthy. A healthy, worry-free pregnancy is a new experience for her.

I have three wishes for this pregnancy:

1.) That she will enjoy it without fear or anxiety and that the baby will be healthy. (Does that count as two wishes?)

2.) That I will BE THERE for the baby's delivery! (We're planning that I will be, but it's so hard to plan on being there when you are 9 hours away!)

3.) That she will have an easy delivery, and get the VBAC that she longs for. (Okay, that may be two wishes as well...)

I want her to experience birth like I did with Levi, #4. He was my first all natural birth. By the time I got to him, I had three pitocin-induced, epidural-necessitated births. I didn't know if I would ever really be able to birth naturally.

But I did. It was amazing. Here's me, within 30 minutes of his actual birth, during one of the more intense contractions...

(don't worry...it's not scary...and it's clean...)

Yep, that's almost as bad as it got.

And that's exactly what I want for her...

It's true what they say

2010-04-25T17:18:00.005-04:00

Time really does fly. It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating Avery's 2nd birthday.

But tomorrow is two whole years since my sweet Levi was born.

Awesome pregnancy. Easy delivery. Mellow baby. Funny toddler.

This boy brings so much joy, so much color to our family. I love him so much!

2010-04-23T12:19:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had that feeling that you've forgotten something? Or worse, someone?

There's that feeling that you get as a parent when you are in the middle of something, turn, and realize that one of your kids has wandered off to who-knows-where. A slight panic.

Last summer we attempted to stay at a hotel on the beach for the first time with five kids, when Nadia was just two weeks old. I know, crazy... (You'd be surprised how differently you parent once you have five kids vs. the first one or two!)
During that first trek from the boardwalk to the shore, it was more than difficult to keep everyone together. But we did it.
But, not five minutes later, while setting up the umbrella, I suddenly realized that Avery, 2 at the time, was no where to be seen.

My mom and dad in-law were there along with my brother in-law and sister in-law and their two kids. Somehow, with six of us adults, we had lost a little one.

That 30 seconds felt like forever.

We scanned the already crowded beach to find her on a nearby playground in the sand. At that point, though, I was already in tears with my heart in my throat.

That's the most dramatic it's gotten with trying to keep track of all five kids.

Still, every day, there's the head-count. Everywhere we go, even when we're at home. Just always checking to make sure that everyone's accounted for.

The thing is, lately (and I don't think it's necessarily because this five-kid thing is getting any easier) I get that feeling a lot more often.
Even when all of my kids are closeby and I know where they all are, it's like there's someone missing. I get that feeling of slight panic, look around, everyone is there, and still...it doesn't go away...

...Do you think that means something???

Befores & Afters

2010-04-18T20:52:00.005-04:00

I love before & after reality TV. And magazine pictures.

Whether it's people or homes, I love seeing the way someone can translate true potential.

Our house...oh, our house...we moved here because we both saw the potential. A modest little house on an interesting piece of property. But it was a MESS. I wish I took more before pictures.

We have spent nearly every free moment (there aren't many around here!) trying to translate our vision of our home's potential into reality lately.

I am going to wait to post the after pictures, but, for now, here is an example of the BEFORE:

and this...

Here's hoping for some great AFTER pictures...to come soon!

Oil-cleansing update

2010-04-13T13:34:00.003-04:00

My last post was about a new face-cleaning regimen I wanted to try.

Here's how it's been:

My skin's clarity has stayed the same. A few blemishes here and there, but that may be a result of everything that's been deep-down coming to the surface.

But the texture has been wonderful! My skin is much more radiant and feels so much softer. There was a day last week when I quickly used my old face soap. I was going out that evening and my face felt blah. I craved that olive-oil glow. I did the oil-cleanse, and it did the trick!

I think I've found a keeper. And, fortunately, it's a cheap one!

And one more thing...

In honor of Spring and the decluttering, scrubbing, and fresh clean smells that come with Spring Cleaning, read up on how to Spring Clean Your Body, from the same website that I read to learn about oil cleansing. I can't wait to feel a bit cleaner inside!

It's not just for salads...

2010-04-01T13:48:00.005-04:00

If you follow me, you know that I am a devoted reader of Mary Ostyn.

She's a frugal queen and mom of ten. She recently blogged about using the oil cleansing method on your face...yes, that's cleaning your face with olive oil. I know...sounds scary, right?

I've never really had trouble with my skin. However, I'm in my thirties now (ew...), and I've had five babies. I keep waiting for my skin to freak out and slowly slide off of my face.

I don't have any visible wrinkles, really, but my face is feeling a bit dull.

So I have decided to give the oil cleansing method a try.

Last night was the first time.

I have to say, it felt pretty luxurious. Smelled a bit like salad dressing, but felt good.

You mix olive oil and castor oil, massage it into your face for a full minute, and then use the steam from a warm washcloth to wipe away the oil.

If nothing else, it will be good for me to force myself to relax for a full two minutes every night!

Afterward, my skin did not feel oily. Greg ran his finger down my cheek and described the feel as "really clean...like nothing on it at all..."

If you want to give it a try (I dare you!), read up on this website. While you're there, browse around...there seem to be some fabulous ideas!

Motivation

2010-03-24T09:54:00.003-04:00

Last night, after a tough round of "boot camp" class at the gym, I came home to the kids in bed. (I love my husband...)

Greg wasn't feeling all that great, so he went straight to bed.

So there I was, 9:30 pm, and I'm wired from my workout. And I'm proud to say, I was a good girl.
I cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry.
Then I topped it off with ice cream at 10:30...maybe I should leave that part out of the story.

My point is, it was so nice to wake up with less to do.

If only I had that kind of motivation every night...a half hour or so of work feels so good the next day!

Something about it...

2010-03-23T17:13:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day in a long time that I've gotten my hands dirty.

I mean, on-purpose, stick-your (gardening-gloves-covered) hands-right-in-the-dirt-and-crumble-it-up dirty.

It felt so good.

When we bought our first house, I discovered that I actually enjoy playing in the dirt just as much as I did when I was a kid.

I remember going to my dad's baseball games as a child, and there was always a fresh mound of dirt there, left over from around the bases. The kids were like moths to a flame with that dirt. Even me, the one who was deathly afraid of worms, bugs, and all things dirty, loved playing in it. I'm not sure what we actually did with it...I just know we all had fun with it.

These days, it's in the form of gardening. There's something amazing about digging in the earth, burying something, waiting, and having something beautiful or fruitful come of it.

We bought our current house three years ago. Compared to our little yard in WNY, our half-acre seems like a massive, blank canvas to work with. It's been somewhat overwhelming. I've spent the past couple of springs anxious to begin, but unmotivated due to my massive pregnant belly.

But FINALLY, we have a spring and summer NOT pregnant. And it's ON! I'm ready.

I have bulbs to start my garden: onions, potatoes, strawberries and asparagus. And I'm going to get some tomatoes. We'll start there and see how that goes. I have my composter picked out.

I have seven areas of my yard that I want to landscape this year. Today, I planted bulbs in the first of the seven. It was in the smelly, but very rich, dirt around our pond.

It was therapeutic. I love it. It feels so good to get my hands dirty again.

I can't believe I'm saying this...

2010-03-18T09:38:00.002-04:00

If you've kept up with me, you know that this past September was a milestone for our family. My kids started "real school" for the first time.

When I found out I was pregnant AGAIN with Nadia, I immediately surrendered homeschooling. It was the only way I could think to survive another kiddo running around the house. Don't get me wrong; I know I am blessed and I love every single one of them. But trying to school two kids with three babies underfoot wasn't something I could even think about.

And my school-aged kids are doing wonderfully in public school. Kaleb is reading like a champ (he couldn't read at ALL this past September!) and Emily is in accelerated math and the advanced reading group.

I am SO proud of them.

A few months ago, I got nauseous at the thought of homeschooling EVER again. I knew we talked about starting again, but I dreaded it.

Not the past week or two.

I miss them. I miss having them here. I miss knowing WHAT they are learning and who they are spending time with. I miss seeing them "get it" when trying to figure something out.

I miss teaching them all of the "extra" stuff. Like cooking, cleaning, working things out as a family.

Could I really be ready for this again?

I sure hope so...

Always fit perfectly

2010-03-17T11:45:00.003-04:00

It's spring. In Virginia.

Since we moved here 3.5 years ago, we've found that once March rolls around, you can count on beautiful weather. Not like where we grew up in Western New York, where there is always a threat of snow up until mid- to late-April.

It's great. The kids head out to play after school, we open the windows and air out the house daily, and we get out the summer clothes...

yikes...

After three pregnancies in three years, I have been hitting the gym hard in hopes of also hitting the beach with confidence. Okay, not necessarily confidence...but at least some level of comfort.

I pulled out the bin of "too small" clothes the other day. Thankfully, some of them fit. Others, well, I wouldn't want to wear even if they did fit. I can't believe I wore so many tiny halter tops back then...

Some things aren't meant to fit mamas forever.

But yesterday, while driving home, Levi fell asleep in the car. As I lifted him from his carseat and his relaxed body snuggled into me, he reached up and held tightly onto my neck. When we reached his bedroom, I waited a moment before laying him down.

I loved the way he felt in my arms.

He's the size now where, when holding my neck, his little bottom fits perfectly into my folded arms, right below my chest and above my tummy. He's still light enough to hold for quite some time. His face fits perfectly into the crook of my neck when I lean my nose down to smell his hair.

My sweet almost-two year old.

That afternoon, I took some time with each kid to appreciate their size and how perfectly they all still fit into my arms. Nadia's tiny enough to feel good nomatter how you hold her. You can stick her on your hip with her butt on the inside of your elbow and tickle her toes all with one arm. She still fits just right in my arms for nursing. At 8 months, she'll be done with that soon, so I'm trying to cherish every moment I can.

Avery (3) is big enough now that she can completely wrap herself around me when I hold her. Once or twice a week, she wakes up to potty in the middle of the night. When she's done, she always wants me to carry her back to her bed. I don't mind, for one reason: her sleepy body snuggles right up against me on that 20-foot trip back to her bed.

My big kids are another story. I can't carry them around anymore. But Emily (9) is a great hugging height for me right now. Her head aligns just right with my shoulder, so I can tuck her in and squeeze her. She knows better than to think she's too big for hugs.

Kaleb (7) and I have a secret code phrase that he says when he just needs to be held, although he'd die if people knew what it meant. If he's having a rough day, all he has to do is look at me with those big blue eyes, say the phrase, and I'll have a seat and plop him on my lap. The world will stop for just a few moments, and no one else knows what in the world those silly words mean.

Oh, how I wish that I could go back to when each of my kids were tiny babies and savor them at that age. But one of the amazing thing about having a bunch of kids, born one after another, is that I get to experience hugs and holds of all stages.

It's been a long four years

2010-03-12T12:37:00.005-05:00

This weeks marks four years since we found out we were expecting Avery.

It was so easy (and, not necessarily expected!) to get pregnant with Emily and Kaleb.

Not with her. Believe it or not, Fertile Myrtle here had a hard time conceiving our third child.

I remember throwing my arms around Greg, exclaiming, "We did it!"

It was so sweet to announce to Emily and Kaleb, 5 and 3 at the time, that there was going to be a baby.

And I have been pregnant or nursing (or, usually, both!) ever since.

(the pic above: me pregnant with avery, fall 2006)

No, I'm really not joking!

2010-03-09T17:18:00.003-05:00

This pretty much sums up my life:
multitask, multitask, multitask.

This morning, Greg called to see how my day was going. I was in the car, on the way home from the gym.

"How was your workout?"
"Good. I ran a few miles and then sat in the sauna and sorted coupons."
"No way...are you serious? You have to blog about that..."

So, yes, I am serious. I am the lady in the sauna at the gym, wearing the iPod, with a Ukrops grocery ad and a coupon book.

It was so much easier to concentrate in there than it is in my kitchen...

Of all of the electives that I could have chosen...

2010-03-08T10:25:00.002-05:00

...I sure do wish I would have taken more classes in Computer Programming.

I'm having quite a time with this silly little blog I've got going. I feel so clueless, and my lack of knowledge is completely exposed.

Oh well.

I really should be spending more time cleaning my house or teaching my kids their phonograms than I do playing on here, anyway!

Pardon my clumsy blogging...

What really gets me going...

2010-03-07T14:09:00.003-05:00

It was never my intention to be a stay-at-home mom. Not that I ever gave it much thought.

I was 19 when I met my Main Squeeze. 20 when I married him. 21 when I got pregnant and gave birth to our first child.

I'm not one of those women who grew up with a clear picture in my head of all that I hoped I would be as a wife and mother. If anything, I thought I'd be a glamorous mom of one or two, perfectly juggling a great career, marriage, and motherhood.

In reality, I didn't really even get a chance to figure out who I was as an adult before I found myself raising another person.

And here I am, an at-home housewife and mama of five. Sometimes, I'm less than thrilled that this is my job. But, most days, I feel blessed beyond words.

Being home with my darlings is great. But the truth is, we have seven people in this house, living modestly on one income. It may sound like a complete nightmare to some people. (Again, nothing like what I pictured in my head years ago...)

But I've found joy in the challenge of making it all work.

I get high off of bargain hunting. I want to tell everyone I know how much I save when I bag a good deal. I love the buzz I feel when comparing what I could have spent with what I actually did spend.

It's become a game to me. Meal planning is not the chore that it is to some people. Grocery shopping...well, I could say I enjoy it, but I usually have three kids that are 3 & under with me. But grocery-list-making is fun, and the anticipation of grocery shopping is fun. The actual act of shopping with all of the little ones is...not as fun as it could be...but it's still one of my favorite things.

It helps that I also love to cook. I probably try something new 2-3 nights a week. But it's also possible to be a frugal, kitchen-savvy mommy if cooking is something you're learning to love.

If you feel that you are spending more of your family's money than you should be on groceries, take-out, and restaurants, I want to encourage you. It's not as hard as you may think. It may require some thought. It may require some time. But there are ways to customize the process for your family.

I've become a devoted follower of Money Saving Mom. She inspires me and gets me excited about how far my family's dollar can go. She has a lot of great ideas for how to make meal planning and living frugally a top priority.

I haven't been a very devoted blogger lately. But I promise to try and share more of what I'm learning in this journey of raising a lot of people on not a lot of money in the weeks to come.

As a mommy, what do you get excited about? What gets you going?

The best laid plans

2010-02-25T14:33:00.004-05:00

I've been pretty open about how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with my littlest, Nadia Claire.

Shocked. Afraid. Angry.

Dear Lord, how am I going to do this? This is not what I wanted right now!

It took a while for the excitement of a new baby to kick in. I honestly didn't want to believe it was true.

But now, when I look at her sweet face, I can't believe she wasn't part of the plan all along.

Well, she was. Just not part of my plan.

Her mellow personality, the way she loves to cuddle, the way her pretty smile lights up a room...it's all proof that even when we think we have our futures figured out, God knows best.

We may end up kicking and screaming at the beginning, but before long, we'll look back and wonder why we ever put up a fight in the first place.

Be the Light

2010-02-12T13:00:00.007-05:00

It's funny what a difference 24 hours makes.

As a parent, as I'm sure all parents can relate, it's SO easy to get caught up in life. To feel trapped. To feel like it's all so hard. To feel helpless.

It all seems so mundane. Like a ratrace in which we're always just a little bit behind.

At least that's how I often feel. Especially lately.

I want to fit in all that I can in my days. I want to, first of all, survive the poopy diapers and the spills and messes and the sibling rivalry. I want my house to be clean and well organized. I want my kids to feel like they are special to me and like I enjoy the time we spend together. I want my husband to feel loved and fulfilled when he gets home. I want to find time to exercise. Time for myself, shopping...the list goes on and on and on.

I tend to get so frustrated that I do just go into survival mode. I take care of what I need to take care of, and do it, without joy, without passion, without drive. I don't go out of my way to reach out to friendships. I don't try to find ways to help those around me. I don't delight in ways to make the people I love know what they mean to me.

I can't get to the details.

One of my greatest friends was born with two brains, I swear. One of them is for functioning and survival. The other is for details. She's amazing. She is more passionate about a particular napkin fold or movie line than I can get about anything in life. (you can check her out here)

So, another good friend was here last night, and it was so refreshing to hear his take on God's grace. When our hearts are in the right place, God works out the details.

The details. Ugh, the details. The things, people, chores, kids, dinners, workouts, shopping, etc...the details that I can't get to.

Seek first the kingdom of God. And everything else will be added to you. It's a promise that God gives us to remind us that the details are in His hands.

What's my job? To handle all of the details? No. My job is to make sure that my little light is shining, and to be the lifegiver that I'm called to be for my family. To desire to spread that light and that life to the people around me. To my friends and church family. To get to know them better and try to enrich their lives, not mine. It's so easy to lose sight of that when life is crazy. But I am thankful for God's grace, and for His promise that when we are focused on His kingdom, all of the details will be taken care of. They may not be perfect...

...and life may get a little crazy...

...but they will be taken care of.

Be the light...

A birth story...grab the tissues!

2010-02-08T22:26:00.003-05:00

If you are a mama, you have GOT to read this birth story! So beautiful...you WILL cry!

I'd love to hear what you think!

Gotta try making these

2010-01-28T14:56:00.002-05:00

I would never consider posting a recipe that I hadn't tried before, but when I came across this one, I decided it sounded worth it!

If you've never baked your own crackers, try it...they're so much better than storebought. Here's hoping that these turn out well...

Whole Wheat Crackers

1/2 c Whole wheat flour

2 T Butter (or applesauce)
2 T Sunflower seeds
1/8 t Salt
1/2 c Cottage cheese

Put all ingredients except cottage cheese in a blender until fine
crumbs. Transfer to a small bowl. Add cottage cheese to blender
until smooth. Return flour mixture and process until ball forms.
Roll out dough thinly. Prick dough all over with a fork. Cut
crosswise into 4 equal strips and then lengthwise into 3 equal
strips, next cut equally into fourths, for a total of 48.

Bake at 325 for 20 minutes.

My new mentor

2010-01-27T10:30:00.004-05:00

Growing up, I never would have thought that I'd ever be a passionate housewife. I hardly envied the non-glamorous lives of my mother and her friends. I wanted to move to a big city and live in a trendy 12th floor apartment, alone.

That's not exactly how things ended up for me...

Would I change the way things turned out? NEVER!

And the strangest thing has happened. I have discovered that, deep within me, there lies an absolute passion for homemaking. That's what I do now, and I want to do a bangup job of it. I adore Martha Stewart's website. During our trips to Barnes and Noble, I thumb through as many books in the cooking, decorating, and homekeeping sections. When I have the time, I don't mind cleaning. I love to cook. I love to find clever ways to organize all of our "junk".

The traits that I envy the most in moms: frugality, creativity, and a skill for efficient housekeeping.

I recently purchased a motivational book for moms at a consignment sale. I finally got a chance to sit with it, excited to snuggle up and be inspired.
The author was a working mother of ONE.

I am not discrediting moms of one child. I know that having an only child must present its own challenges. (For starters, YOU are the only one to entertain the child!) And I am certainly not saying that working moms don't have it difficult. Dear Lord, I can't imagine trying to juggle a full time job and my children!
I am saying that it was very hard for me to connect with this mom. It was hard for me to receive advice from someone who has lived a life very different from my own, just as it would be hard for her to receive from me. We are just different.

Then, I found her. Mary Ostyn. Have you heard of her? She is a mother of ten, wife of a husband she absolutely adores, and she has written a BOOK about being FRUGAL with meals. Hello!!! Now THIS is someone I want to hear from!

Her book, Family Feasts for $75 a Week, has plenty of recipes. While we eat very differently from how her family eats and won't use all of the recipes, I appreciate her challenge to cut my family's grocery budget. I want to hear her advice.

And her website, oh....
I stayed up FAR too late last night, inspired to start my own garden, start canning, raise my kids better, love my husband sweeter...

Check her out: http://www.owlhaven.net/

I vow not to stay up late with my new imaginary friend tonight...

Helpful-homemaking-and-Mommy-tips-that-need-a-better-name???

2010-01-24T18:03:00.003-05:00

Having a small (1800-something sq. ft.) house full of seven people requires some serious creativity as far as homekeeping, storage, and life maintenance goes. While I don't have all of the answers, I'd love to share the few things I've found helpful.

We've all heard of Martha Stewart's "Good Things". I need a snappy name for my little mommy tips and would love suggestions!

For now, we'll go with Mommy Tips.

So, Mommy Tip #1:

Keep baby's bibs in the same drawer as your dish towels. This may seem simple, but I spent way too much time running to the nursery to grab a bib before mealtime with my first four kids before I realized the common sense behind it all. Plus, I wash my bibs with my towels, so it makes putting laundry away easier.

Just another day in paradise

2010-01-21T13:55:00.002-05:00

Survival

2010-01-21T13:43:00.003-05:00

Here we are again...man weekend. The Daddies are gone to do what men do...

Tuesday night, I was violently ill. Spent the day in bed yesterday. (I NEVER do that, no matter how sick!)

So I will spend the next three days recovering, and hopefully, enjoying the time I get to spend with the kids. I'd love to think of this weekend as something more than a time of survival, as I often do when Greg's away. I'd love to really relish in my time with my babies.

Time for lots of snuggling, games, Barnes and Noble, candlelit dinners with the kids.

And I'll try to refrain from cleaning...at least while they're awake!

She better not be mistaken for a boy anymore...

2010-01-14T13:58:00.004-05:00

Two weeks ago, we visited my inlaws for New Year's Day. So fun. Lots of food, lots of laughing...

It was snowy there. The kids had a blast sledding in their backyard.

The adults stayed inside. It's amazing how quickly your blood thins when you haven't lived in the bitter cold of Western New York for a few years. I was a total wimp and watched from the window.

We ventured out to the MALL with all of the kids for entertainment. We passed Claire's.

Now, let me clarify...I wanted to pierce Emily's ears when she was an infant. I may has well have asked Greg if we could cut a few of her toes off. He looked at me like I was crazy and replied, "No way! Why would we do that to her?"

He finally allowed it when she was six years old, after she pleaded with him herself.

My sweet, beautiful Avery is still waiting for a perfect head of hair at three years old. If anyone could use a pair of earrings to look a little more feminine, it's her. I thought it was a long shot, but that I'd ask...

"Honey, let's do it...please???"

No response...just a sort of blank smile.

"Can we?"

He was thinking about it...

A half hour later, Avery had screamed so loud, I'm sure every single store in the mall heard her, but she had pretty little pink earrings...

I couldn't believe it...

It's OVER!

2010-01-12T10:06:00.004-05:00

It all began the first weekend of October...more than three months ago!

I was in a hurry to complete the three hour trip down to my brothers. I found out that morning that I would be seeing U2 with him that night. And, so, I was pushing my speed.

There aren't too many things that can sink your stomach like flashing lights, obviously pursuing your vehicle.

The officer from the Petersburg Police Department had no mercy. Ticket for reckless driving (20 mph over...yikes! pretty uncharacteristic of me since becoming a mom, by the way...) and a ticket for having a brake light out. I cried and everything. To no avail.

Bummer...

A few weeks later, I carted all three little ones into the courthouse, where I ended up waiting in the hallway for over TWO HOURS. Avery had to go potty, Nadia had to nurse. Levi was freaking out because it was naptime. I was sweating my butt off. By the time I got into the courtroom, the kids had lost it. Avery ran laps around a couple of rows. Levi was screaming. I was soaked with sweat. "How do I plead? What? I don't know...what's happening?"

I left, frustrated that, even with an 8-hr. course, I'd end up paying over $120.

I waited until after the holidays to begin my online course. But the knowledge that it was lingering swooped over me everyday, like a vulture.

A few days ago, I ventured out to the UPS store to take my online exam. I passed. Thank God!

Now, hopefully, I'd get my certificate in the mail before my license was suspended.

Yesterday was my last chance. I went to the mailbox. YES! I once again drove the 40 minutes to Petersburg, paid my fine, loaded and unloaded the kids, and sighed a HUGE sigh of relief on the way home. Today, upon review, my case will be dismissed.

I feel normal again, whatever that means...

long time coming

2010-01-05T14:26:00.002-05:00

We have had a lot going on over the last couple of weeks. It's been Christmas vacation time, so I'm sure everyone has.

And I can't blog anything with pictures.

We got a new MacBook...finally! The problem is that I can't upload photos yet.

So I'm saving all of my fun for when we can. Lots to share, coming soon.

(That sounds a bit too suspenseful. Don't worry. No REALLY big news...like babies or anything!)

Where, oh where, have my ornaments gone?

2009-12-27T17:28:00.004-05:00

I am pretty sure that next Christmas, I will pull out all of the Christmas bins (we have A LOT of them!), and upon opening the one labeled, "Christmas ornaments", become confused.

We put our tree away today but left up the other decorations. Yes, already...
There were two reasons for this.

First of all, we needed to make room for a new sectional that we found at a deal impossible to pass up.

Second of all, the poor tree looked terrible. It was nearly bare on the bottom half.

Every Christmas tree, for a toddler, is a learning experience.
From what I remember, with my other kids, it was pretty easy. A few, "DON'T TOUCH!" warnings and gentle hand slaps were all it took to keep them away from the tree.

Levi has been a different story.

At 20 months, my little Bam-Bam loves to throw things. The same goes for my Christmas ornaments. Every day I have to clean up an ornament that has been thrown, and smashed, onto the hearth of our fireplace.

So next year, if I blog about how frustrated I am about how all of my ornaments are missing and I can't recall why, please send a note reminding me that Levi thought we needed new ones!

PS: We had a great Christmas...and a blast with family in NY...more to come on that soon!

A Christmas Miracle

2009-12-11T13:21:00.003-05:00

I am making light with this title. I wrote it in excitement over a great deal for nursing moms that I wanted to share, but I need to give THANKS for two real miracles first:

Number one, Emily's tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy surgery (2.5 weeks ago) went very well. The recovery was extremely tough for her, but she is better and her sleep apnea seems to have vanished.

And the biggest news in our family this week was that my Uncle Russ, the man who has always been like another dad to me, had a heart attack last weekend. He needed to undergo open heart surgery two days ago, receiving a triple bypass. The surgery went well and he is healing faster than they expected. Thank you, God, for keeping Your hand on our loved ones!

Now for my shopping miracle:
Not sure how long this crazy promo is going on, but if anyone is still nursing, here's a deal on really cool nursing covers:
go to uddercovers.com
click on "Shop Now"
pick the one you want,
enter promo code "Thankyou"
it takes $32 off, so you get a free cover, only paying $8.95 for shipping!

I did it, it works!
Spread the news!

a few faves...

2009-12-08T11:49:00.003-05:00

If you know me or keep up with my blog, you know that I am a meal-planning Nazi. I do it in such a way that it is freeing, not restricting. It's become quite a hobby as well as a necessity. It's what gets me going.

I love trying new recipes. I'm not one of those people that are always making the same things. My family may prefer that I did, but I need a little more excitement than that.

However, this week is different. I'm a bit busier than usual, which means that I DO have to stick to a couple of go-to meals. This week's menu includes two of my most favoritest recipes.

Here they are:

Thai Shrimp Curry with Chopped Lettuce and Basil Lime Couscous (courtesy of Rachael Ray)

*this recipe may be slightly time consuming the first time you make it (especially if you're not used to cooking Thai food), but after once or twice, you'll be able to whip it up quickly. I can have it on the table in 20 minutes.
*if you use cooked shrimp (I do), add it when you add the peas.

Ingredients
2 tablespoons vegetable or other light oil, eyeball it
1 1/2 pounds large shrimp, peeled and deveined with tails removed
6 ounces, about 1/3 pound, shiitake mushrooms, stemmed and thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, grated or finely chopped
1-inch ginger root, peeled and grated or finely chopped
4 scallions, chopped into 1-inch pieces, whites and greens
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons mild or hot red curry paste
2 roasted red peppers, sliced
1 cup "light" or unsweetened coconut milk
1 cup frozen peas
1 1/2 cups chicken stock
1 tablespoon butter
1 lime, zested and juiced
1 1/2 cups couscous
1 cup shredded fresh basil leaves
2 cups chopped iceberg lettuce, 1/2 small head
1/2 cup chopped peanuts, for garnish

Directions
Heat a couple of tablespoons of vegetable oil over high heat. Add shrimp and toss 2 minutes then add the mushrooms, garlic, ginger, scallions, salt and pepper and cook 3 to 4 minutes more tossing constantly. Stir in curry paste, roasted red pepper and coconut milk and reduce heat to low. Simmer a few minutes then stir in peas to heat through.

In a sauce pot bring chicken stock, butter and the lime zest to a boil. Add couscous and stir. Turn off heat, cover pot and let stand. Add basil and the lime juice to the pot and fluff with a fork.

Serve couscous topped with a layer of chopped lettuce then a few ladles of red curry shrimp. Garnish with chopped peanuts.

Butternut Squash-White Bean Soup (courtesy of Cooking Light)

Ingredients
3 bacon slices
1 cup chopped onion
2/3 cup chopped celery
3 garlic cloves, minced
4 cups (3/4-inch) cubed peeled butternut squash (about 1 1/2 pounds)
1/4 cup dry white wine
4 cups fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 tablespoon chopped fresh oregano
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 (15-ounce) cans Great Northern beans, rinsed and drained
3 tablespoons unsalted pumpkinseed kernels, toasted

Preparation
Cook bacon in a Dutch oven over medium heat until crisp. Remove the bacon from pan, reserving 2 teaspoons of drippings in pan; crumble the bacon, and set aside.

Add onion, celery, and garlic to pan; cook 3 minutes or until tender, stirring occasionally. Add squash; cook 3 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add wine; cook until liquid almost evaporates. Stir in broth, cumin, red pepper, cinnamon, and cloves; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer 5 minutes or until squash is tender. Stir in cream, oregano, salt, black pepper, and beans; bring to a boil. Remove from heat. Sprinkle each serving with bacon and pumpkinseeds.

And just for fun, I've included this recipe that I like to make with the above soup. My family doesn't think it's the same without it. And it's perfect...while the soup is simmering and cooling, you have time to whip up a batch.

Cornmeal Scones:

Ingredients
1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup yellow cornmeal
3 tablespoons sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 tablespoons chilled butter, cut into small pieces
1/2 cup 1% low-fat milk
1 large egg, lightly beaten
Cooking spray

Preparation
Preheat oven to 375°.
Lightly spoon flour into dry measuring cups; level with a knife. Combine flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl; cut in butter with a pastry blender or 2 knives until mixture resembles coarse meal. Add milk and egg to cornmeal mixture; stir just until moist.
Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface, and knead lightly 4 times with floured hands. Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper; coat with cooking spray. Pat dough into a 7-inch circle on prepared baking sheet. Cut dough into 8 wedges, cutting into but not through dough.
Bake at 375° for 22 minutes or until golden brown and a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Serve warm.

Busy-ness and babies!

2009-11-24T10:20:00.004-05:00

Wow, it has been forever since my last post!
We have been quite busy.

We did Halloween with my sister and her husband, who came into town. Days of kids and costumes and nights laughing by the fire were priceless,

We celebrated Avery's 3rd birthday with 50 or 60 people...that was exciting!

We had eight trees cut down. It's all part of the plan to have an eventual backyard, not a forest.

School and all of its functions are in full swing.

And we welcomed the newest Dunets, baby Angelo Jeremiah, born November 15, to my brother and his wife. We can't wait to meet him!

Defining moments, part 2

2009-10-26T13:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, this one's going to be a bit cheesy...

But today is the 12th anniversary of defining moment #2 (see #1 in an earlier post).

On October 26, 2007, I was in church, home from college for fall break.
There was a new "most eligible bachelor" at the church, and several people were waiting for me to meet him. I was a nervous wreck. My mom had already approached him to let him know that she had a 19-year-old daughter, and that she would like for him to "be her son-in-law." (no joke...) I had seen him over the summer with his parents and thought he was an acquaintance's husband. Thought he was really cute, but taken. When I found out he wasn't, and that he knew I was available, I was intrigued, to say the least.
I sang that Sunday. Just about wet my pants with anxiety, knowing he was out there, watching. Knowing that after service, our appointed meeting was inevitable.
There we were, in the center aisle of the church, a small crowd to the rear of the sanctuary, observing. We shook hands, our eyes locked, our faces couldn't stop smiling.

I knew it.
This was it.
This was the last boyfriend I'd ever meet.

He asked if I could go out after the evening service.
My response: "Definitely!"

Friendly's for milkshakes. Me in a plane the next morning, back to school.
Three weeks and several letters and emails later, I was driving back home for good.

And the rest is history.

I will never forget that first moment. I will never forget exactly what was going through my mind as I looked into his face for the first time. Wow, his eyes are SO blue!
Now I look into those same beautiful blue eyes each day, both on his face and on the faces of my sons, and my heart skips, thinking about that first time I saw them...

Success

2009-10-26T11:22:00.002-04:00

A follow up to the "Indecisive" post about Greg's birthday.
It was great. We went to a great little mediterranean place that just opened up around here. Aside from our waitress messing up our order, it was spectacular. My flounder, topped with mouth-watering crab, roasted red peppers, capers, and lemon butter sauce, served with fennel and potatoes, was to DIE for! I could blog about it for hours...
Poor Greg ordered a filet and ended up with a salad...I won't even go there...not all "mature" fine dining waitresses actually know what they're doing.
His gift, a wedding ring, was too big and too "diamondy", but we exchanged it for a really cool band.
And a night out together,
...............ahhh....................

These are the days...

2009-10-23T12:28:00.005-04:00

A big reason for my blog is to journal these special, child-rearing years so that I will remember them.

However, the deeper I go into mothering five children, the more I understand that I will PROBABLY look back on these "little kid" years and just THANK GOD that I survived them.

Defining moments, part 1

2009-10-17T09:39:00.003-04:00

I know it's completely cliche, but it's true that there are certain moments that are so special, so incredible, that they mark your soul forever.
I hope to dig deep, realize exactly which moments were the most defining in my life, and post them. (They will not be in chronological or in order of significance.)

Number one: (Well, really 1-5, but let's say number one)

The 30 seconds after each of my kids were born. It's so unbelievable how many emotions rush through your heart during that first moment you hear them cry, see their face, feel their soft, silk-covered down comforter skin. Tears, every time. I don't think I could hold back crying even if I'd given birth 20 times.
It's like your body goes through this painful, mind-wrenching journey, and at the end of it you are thrown into the most emotional seconds you'll ever know. Like a crazy, twisting waterslide that shoots you into ice cold water. Amazing.

Indecisive

2009-10-17T09:27:00.002-04:00

I guess it's always been this way. I'm a people pleaser. And I suppose a bit discontented. Rarely just content to live in the moment, always looking forward to something. So I'm always afraid I'll make a bad decision and wish I had chosen differently.
I'm realizing this again today. Greg's birthday is Tuesday, and I'm taking him out tonight. He doesn't know. Sitter and everything. Date night doesn't happen all that often around here, so I want it to be good. Do we stay around here? Go downtown?
I just wish I could hire someone to be my secretary. "Make reservations somewhere, get his gift..."
(Speaking of his gift, it's a big one, but I nearly hyperventilated due to indecision shopping for it!)

I'll let you know how it goes...

If I only knew...

2009-10-14T14:00:00.003-04:00

If you've followed my blog at all, you know that Avery keeps life...well, interesting. Here's an old video I found (shot in the summer of 2008). Notice that 18-month old Avery's biggest concern when she sees the camera is to shout, "Cheese!"
(Go to the bottom of this page and pause my playlist so that you can hear the video)

Priorities flying all over the place

2009-10-05T13:10:00.002-04:00

With the little time that I have in between diaper changes and dinner-making (and yes, sometimes they happen simultaneously but yes, I wash my hands in between the two), I need to set some serious priorities. I don't have time to do it all, so I'm trying to figure out what is really important.

There are a couple of things that are obvious (but that I'm still not always very good at):
I need to spend more time in prayer and meditating on all things True.
I need to spend as much time as possible molding and loving my little ones.
I need to spend time showing the people I love what they mean to me.

Okay. So that's the top of the list. But with the other 35 seconds left in the day, what is the most important thing to me?
Kidding, of course. Well, sort of.

I'm not pregnant. That's kind of an oddity around here. But that means that I feel good physically. I want to feel better.

I need to keep going to the gym and eating better.
I'm going to get something off of my chest here: I've been dieting...
I've been afraid to blog about it or talk about it too much because I'm afraid to jinx myself. (I know it's silly...)
With three pregnancies in three years, I have work to do. Serious work. But now that we are DONE, I am motivated to change my body so that I feel well permanently. (I need to in order to keep up with these little ones!)
I've been on the South Beach diet for almost a month, and (as of last Thursday), I'm down 9 lbs. A few more to go...

I need to tap in to my creativity.
I've also been trying to complete decorating around the house. I am a Martha Stewart junkie. (Can't stand her but love her organization/homekeeping/crafty ideas)
I'll embellish on this further one of these days. My head is spinning with ideas. I haven't been inspired in a while (again, because pregnancy=survival) and now ideas are flying at me...exciting but overwhelming.

And then there's always the fact that
I'd love to spend more time calling friends and family.
I'd love to arrange and attend more playdates, both for my kids and myself.
I'd love to have more date nights. (...sigh...)
I'd love to spend more time on yardwork.
I'd love to help Greg prepare for worship service more.

I'd love to remember the rest of the list...

Sweet and Scary moments

2009-09-23T10:27:00.003-04:00

All mornings are crazy around here. You can imagine. But this morning was especially interesting.

Around 8:30, I was changing Nadia's diaper. She was being so cute and smiley, so I started getting silly with her.

And she belted out a huge LAUGH! Her first. It was so precious.

There are so many times during the day when I get anxious for when these little ones are just a bit bigger. This was NOT one of those times. I just wanted to freeze the moment and hold onto it forever. The last first laugh for my babies. Priceless.

Moments later, I placed Nadia into her carseat to put the finishing touches on the process of getting out the door. I went into the kitchen, and heard a couple of thuds and Nadia screaming. Levi had thrown a big heavy candle sconce right at her head. She was screaming and a mark was already appearing. Oh DEAR! I was immediately on the phone with my pediatrician friend, checking to see what should be done.

All is fine. I did all I needed to be sure of it. She has slept and awoke smiling. But Lord have mercy, it was scary.
It's crazy how a moment of sweet bliss can turn into a moment of utter fear!

MUSH

2009-09-15T13:05:00.005-04:00

I used to think of myself as a pretty intelligent person.

With little effort, I managed all A's growing up. My studies came easily in college. Amidst marriage and children, I DID graduate.

I am aware now that my days are primarily spent conversing with children under the age of ten. I don't mind that at all. And yes, occasionally, when I'm alone with adults, I accidentally say that I have to go potty vs. use the lavatory. No big deal...I'm a mommy and it's to be expected.

However, every once in a while I am slapped with the reality that my brains have truly turned to MUSH.

That happened this afternoon.

You see, in my little world of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and raising babies, I am in a bubble. Greg comes home and I talk to him about what color I'd like to stain the deck or how much money I spent on groceries or what kind of socks I bought for so-and-so...
...this is my world. This is what I have to offer when it comes to conversation.

But this afternoon, I had a few minutes to spare, and, feeling a bit disconnected from my husband (we've been extremely busy lately), I decided to go onto HIS blog.
He is the Math Specialist for a local county (what is THAT job? He is basically the resource for all teachers in the county when it comes to math. They go to him for help regarding anything math. He also decides on the county's curriculum, strategy, etc.) And he is required to keep a blog in his techno-savvy county.

So I read a few posts. And, man oh man...let's just say my perception of my intellegence dropped a few levels. A portion of the first sentence I read said, "teaching algorithms in the absence of concept-building-exploratory-type lessons"...HUH?????
THIS is what he spends HIS days thinking and talking about? Oh, Lord...

Yeah, it's just all mush up there...nothing but mush...

We made it!

2009-09-14T13:47:00.005-04:00

The first week of school has come and gone. I am happy to say that we survived...quite well, actually. Aside from the clinic aid calling me on two separate days to bring a change of pants for Kaleb (we won't go there...), the first week was a success. I am pleased with their teachers. They are making friends. They are loving it!

And I feel good about our decision not to homeschool this year. Sure, I miss them, but I am embracing the opportunity to spend some extra time with the three little ones, and, of course, to get some extra housework done!

Here they are on the first day.

Ready or not...

2009-09-04T14:31:00.007-04:00

It's official...

My two oldest babies will be attending school as of Tuesday.

Real school.

We went to orientation this morning.

Little desks everywhere. New teachers. Computer labs. A big media center. Art classroom. So fun for them. A little scary for me.

It has been such a challenge to homeschool them these past few years. There have been days when I absolutely dreaded starting. There were even days when I got away with putting it off until the afternoon. (You can do that when you work one-on-one with a kid.) I cried several times to Greg about how hard it was. Of the past four years homeschooling Emily (K-3rd grade), I was pregnant for at least a portion of EVERY SINGLE school year.

Man, it was tough!

But it was one of the greatest blessings I've ever known. I got to be the one that experienced their learning. I got to be the one that decided the pace at which they needed to learn. And best of all, I got to be the one that spent all day with them.

They are growing up so fast. I am grateful for every moment I got to spend homeschooling.

And even though a HUGE load is off of my shoulders, I'm really going to miss having them around.

the above pics: top, fall of '07. bottom, June '09.

Not nearly enough time

2009-08-31T14:23:00.004-04:00

This Wednesday is Nadia's 8-week birthday. She still seems so new. And yet, at the same time, it's sort of hard to believe our family ever felt complete without her.

My sister's baby Johnathan was 8 weeks old when he passed away. I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. There is so much more to discover about little Nadia. Eight weeks goes by in a flash. My heart hurts for my sister, and for the rest of us, that only had those eight short weeks to get to know him.

Say a prayer for her. Eight weeks is not nearly enough.

(the picture above is of me holding baby Johnathan at 2 1/2 weeks)

No cavities!

2009-08-25T10:26:00.002-04:00

I always have six months to prepare myself for the big day and I still fear it just a bit when it gets here. Today, all kids (except baby Nadia, of course) had their dental cleanings. Aside from Avery freaking out and demanding that the hygenist hold her while the doctor checked her teeth, all went well.
I will definitely take advantage of rest time today.

Showers optional

2009-08-25T10:21:00.003-04:00

A couple of weekends ago, we braved camping with a newborn. We went with good friends to a nearby lake. It was a quick, one night stay, but it was great. Not nearly as scary as I thought it might be. Nadia slept most of the time, the kids got along great, and Levi only wandered to another family's campsite once. (Okay, that was a little scary!) So great to grow closer to the kids and spend time with friends we love. Good times.

No idea

2009-08-18T08:22:00.005-04:00

Okay, so let's review...
I have been married for 10.5 years. Greg and I had every intention of being child-free for the first 4-5 years. During our first year of marriage, we found out that we were pregnant with Emily. Two years later, we had Kaleb. You wouldn't believe how many people said, "Oh, you have a girl and a boy...you're all set!"
But we were pretty sure we wanted another one. It took eight months of trying to get pregnant with Avery. (Weird, when you consider how easily I've gotten pregnant with the other four...but it was definitely God's timing...we wouldn't have moved to Richmond if I got pregnant when I wanted to...)
...Anyway, we figured we'd eventually, not right away, have another baby that could be close in age to Avery (she and Kaleb are over four years apart). However, when she was nine months old, I found out I was pregnant with Levi. I had major anxiety before I gave birth to him. How was I going to manage two children that were 17 months apart? He was definitely to be my last baby.
It was just as scary as I thought it would be. Homeschooling still happened, but barely. Then, when he was five months old, SURPRISE! Another baby...a good surprise, but still, HOLY COW!

So here we are, Nadia is six weeks old (as of tomorrow), Levi is fifteen months old, Avery will be three in a few months, and we've got Kaleb (almost 7) and Emily (9).

Life is an absolute whirlwind...probably exactly what you'd imagine it is.
I have had several moms of 1-2 kids ask, "How do you do it?"

My answer..."I have no idea..."

It's definitely the grace of God. It is a miracle that I get any sleep at all, that my floors have been mopped in the past week, and that my kids are all fed. But thankfully, that's all (sort of) happening.

I never even liked babysitting as a teenager.

But can you imagine the transfer of love that I get to experience on a daily basis?
From the peace of nursing a newborn and her brand-new smiles, to my "big kids" hugging me and thanking me for some surprise, I am blessed. And, at the end of a crazy day, I also get to share life with an amazing husband.

We are in survival mode. It will fly by for that reason. And even though it's nuts and I have no idea how we're doing it, I hope I can embrace as many moments as I can.

I love my babies. ALL of them.

EEEEK!!!!!

2009-08-04T19:12:00.002-04:00

Oh, my sweet Avery...
She's keeping me on my toes.
Today, Nadia was fast asleep in her bassinet and I was in the kitchen doing dishes. I heard Nadia fussing and didn't think much of it. Hmmm...where's Avery?
Panic set in and I flew up the stairs. There was Avery. There was Nadia. Avery had her arms wrapped around Nadia's shoulders, with Nadia's arms down at her sides. Avery was tripping over her own feet, next to the wooden bedframe. I can only imagine my face and my voice as I moved in what seemed like slow motion to the other side of the bed, yelling, "Hold on to her, hold on to her!" I grabbed Nadia, held her close for a moment, and then held onto Avery, who was in tears by now.

Am I going to survive having three under 3?
Will they????

By the way...

2009-07-30T14:17:00.002-04:00

I am aware that I haven't given any birth details, and that it's odd for me. I promise to post the long version soon.
But for now, I'll sum it up to say that labor was in full swing at 11pm, but manageable. Contractions were coming every 6-7 minutes. At 2am, I got up to see if I could move things along. Hopped in the shower and contractions got much closer together (2 minutes apart!) Greg and I got things situated with kids and got to the hospital at 3am. Four hours later, she arrived. Epidural free, but not as peaceful as Levi's birth. Thank goodness there wasn't a video camera in the room.
Hmmm, but maybe I could've won some money for the scene that would have been captured!

I can't believe it...

2009-07-30T13:25:00.004-04:00

But I actually miss it...

Farewell, sleep...

2009-07-19T20:40:00.002-04:00

Here we are again...a couple of hours before bedtime, and I am wondering how much sleep I will actually get tonight.

I can't complain about Nadia's nightly sleep patterns. At eleven days old, she is up once or twice a night, leaving me with a couple of 3-4 hour opportunities to sleep. And the hourly potty trips that come with late pregnancy are gone, thank goodness!

However, there are other children that are waking up at night. Why this happens when I'm already waking with a newborn is a mystery. The other night I was up with four children, all at separate times. Oh dear Lord...

All I can think is about how quickly I am aging...

And that I'll probably never sleep through the night, ever again.

Welcome Nadia Claire Jastrzemski

2009-07-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

She's here!
Nadia arrived Wednesday,

July 8, 2009
(07-08-09, pretty cool, huh?)
at 6:59 am
8 lbs., 14 oz.
21 inches long

Absolute sweetness

I take it back...

2009-06-30T08:24:00.001-04:00

My last post was titled, "Won't be long now,"and I was wrong. I thought I'd have a baby by now, for sure. But here I am, two days before my due date, still pregnant. I have never gone within a week of my due date. It's a bummer because it's made me feel like my due date was actually a week ago. Never been this pregnant. Probably never had such a big baby in there...
It's very frustrating. I'm extremely restless. I can't think about anything other than getting this baby out. I know I should be treasuring these last days of pregnancy I'll ever have, but I'm not. I'm ready to get this party started, to meet this little one.
My sister is here. Everything is ready. Now we just need a baby. Please, God...

Won't be long now...

2009-06-22T08:11:00.000-04:00

Slowly, surely, everything's coming together.

After a day of irregular contractions yesterday, I finally got myself in gear and took care of a few things: bags are packed and kids' stuff is ready to be transported in the middle of the night.

And, over the course of the past few weeks, the obsession has begun.
I've read my favorite books on midwifery and birth stories. My favorite is written by a midwife who works with amish women in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The stories of those women inspired and strengthened me as I went drug-free for my last birth.
I've chosen my "labor music" (don't worry...no tribal chants or african drums, just some of my favorite slow songs).
I've watched the tear-jerking birth videos set to music on youtube.

I need to do these things. I don't want to forget that labor is a part of the birth process. And that every contraction is a step toward meeting our new baby. I need to wrap my mind around my obsession over birth in order to be ready, to be "in the zone" when labor comes. And I think I am. We'll find out!

Now...we just need to hope this baby is a girl. (Remember, we are going on a hunch and really have no clue...yikes!) Because if it is a boy, he doesn't have a name. Oh boy...

Raining, inside and out...

2009-06-15T08:23:00.000-04:00

It's fitting that it would be pouring rain today for the first time here in weeks. While I'm glad for the sake of my newly planted tomatoes and flowers, it's just a reminder of how I really feel inside every June 15th.

Eleven years ago, today, my dad passed away. He was 44.

It wasn't sudden. He'd been fighting cancer since he was 35. 35! Greg is older than that. Dear Lord.

The scariest moment I experienced having a sick dad was on the last day of my freshman year of college. He had driven halfway across the country to pick me up for the summer. My mom had warned me that his health had deteriorated quite a bit over the months prior. But I was 18. I was lost in my own little world. I didn't give it much thought.
I'll never forget when he got out of the car. He looked like he was 75. My daddy. My young, sweet dad looked like he was 75.
He was horribly sick for the next day or two, but he tried to enjoy the time we had in my college town. I was supposed to sing in the school's choir for the commencement ceremony, but he warned me that he was probably too sick to attend. We had a long drive ahead of us. He needed to rest.

I remember sitting on stage, watching him walk through the door. He stayed just long enough to hear us sing before he left to return to his hotel room.

The next year, he was in the hospital more than he was home. I met Greg that year and they got to know each other. My dad knew just as well as I did that Greg was "the one" and told Greg to take care of me.
I was still oblivious that my dad was mortal, that his sickness would actually take him away.

I was still in my own little world and spent very little time in the hospital. My dad couldn't really die, could he?

We were told that his insides were like cobwebs due to all of the radiation done on his abdomen. He was down to 89 lbs. Still, he was my dad. He was going to make it. Off I went to do whatever it was I did back then.

I shouldn't have been surprised that morning. Just after 6 am, I was working my home healthcare job, a 45 minute drive from home. My mom called.
No...

I remember walking outside and realizing that I wasn't on my way to see anything other than my dad's body. Confused, I looked up, and out loud, said, "Dad?"
I somehow managed that drive to where my family was gathered at the hospital.

It wasn't until life started happening that I realized how much losing my dad meant. A month later, I was engaged. Six months later, my brother walked me down the aisle to marry Greg. Another year or so later, I had my first baby. My dad wasn't there.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could change my mindset back then. I would have spent so much more time telling my dad what he meant to me. I would have asked him so many questions. I would have been there to tell him I loved him as he took his last breath.

There's a sappy country song that was out a few years back that explains why the rain is significant,
"there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now.
And sometimes if you're lonely
just remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me"

I certainly don't think that my dad would trade the glories of heaven to come back here, and I don't know if he ever gets glimpses of his grandkids. But today, it's raining.
And I'm kind of glad...

so that's it???

2009-06-13T14:31:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, June 5, 2009, we had our last official day of homeschooling.

Emily and Kaleb took their end of year testing (passed with flying colors), and that was that.

The four year homeschool journey that began with Emily's kindergarten lessons, she and I sitting at the kitchen table, inspiration and fear battling for my brain, is over.
It hasn't really hit me, I guess. I don't feel relief or sadness. Not like I thought I would, anyway.
I'm trying to reflect on those first months, when I'd drop Kaleb off at preschool in 2005 and Emily and I would settle in at home or a coffee shop. Just us. Wow, she was a smart cookie. Absorbed everything I threw at her. She taught herself to read. No lie.
Many days, I sat with my three and five year old and did art projects that taught bible verses. Emily completed her lessons with ease. We had soft classical music playing in the backround. We went to gym/swim class. We took picnics and bikerides, talking and learning about trees and leaves. I remember thinking it was a lot of work. Ha. I had no idea how life was going to change!

This past year, especially in the fall, our days went a little more like this: Exhausted from nursing and being pregnant at the same time, I try to choke down a cup of coffee in the morning. I throw up. We sit at the homeschool table while Avery begs me to turn on Dora. Poopy diaper. I remind the kids to stay seated and finish their work while I clean stinkypants. We make it through one subject. I throw up. Someone else has a poopy diaper. I throw up. I try to go over phonics with Kaleb. I can't keep my eyes open because I have zero nourishment in my system. I nurse a baby. We do Emily's math lesson. Avery pees on the rug. I try to get lunch ready. I throw up. And it's not even noon yet...

So I guess the fond memories and the scary moments are balancing themselves out right now. I am sure I will have my moments of mourning. (I always, even in the crazy moments, considered myself VERY blessed to have all of my kids home with me.) And I'm sure I'll have my moments of relief. Right now, I guess I'm just too freaked out about everything else in life to give it too much thought.

Oh, and I do hope to do it again. The youngest three will begin kindergarten for three consecutive years! (Avery in 2012, Levi in 2013, new baby in 2014!)

panic

2009-06-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

The semi-annual boys' campout whisked away my husband and 6-year-old this weekend. Emily's ninth birthday is next Friday, so I promised her she could have a couple of girlfriends here for a sleepover last night. Oh boy...
It went very well, for the record.

The only problem was that yesterday and the day before were full of the signs of labor. I will spare the details (be glad!), but it was enough to put me into panic mode. My bag isn't packed. The house is not ready. (Who doesn't want to go into labor knowing they've really cleaned the best they can?) I have no definite plan for the other kids while I'm in the hospital. Baby clothes are in the attic still. No new outfit for baby's homecoming.
And, perhaps most important, my sister can't be here until the 26th! She and Greg are my official labor partners this time around.
Today is better. I think that the anticipation and worry over the weekend is what brought on all of those other signs. That and exhaustion/dehydration.

Anyway, this week, I'm on a mission. It's time. I need to check all of those things off of my list.

Then I just need to hope this baby will stay put until the 26th.
Or at least until Greg gets home, tomorrow!

3.5 weeks...WHAT????

2009-06-07T20:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, here it is...
I'm freaking out!
I am officially 36.5 weeks pregnant. That means that within a couple of weeks...oh my goodness...a couple of weeks...I am having this baby. Totally not ready...
And, scarier still, all of my babies have been early.
Emily was 6 days early.
Kaleb was 3 weeks early.
Avery was 11 days early.
Levi was 6 days early.
My due date is in 3.5 weeks...
YIKES!
I just had to have this moment...oh dear...

A couple more funny Avery stories

2009-05-31T20:24:00.000-04:00

This child...
Oh my goodness...

I had to jot these moments down!

A few days ago, Avery was in the tub, and all of a sudden, she looked down and spotted her nipples. She exclaimed, "MOMMY! I have eyeballs on my tummy!!!"

Later on, she was laying down in bed, ready to sleep, and I said, "Okay, Avery, now close your eyes...I love you!"
She closed her eyes, opened them, and said, "Jesus said I can suck my thumb."
And in went the thumb.

She's going to keep herself known, nomatter how many kids are running around here!

Falling slowly...

2009-05-22T09:27:00.000-04:00

It's crazy what happens when you carry a baby.

Now, I know I am a sucker when it comes to love. I always have been. I love easily and deeply.
I remember being in the hospital after having Kaleb, #2, just crying and crying while holding him. I remember that I could literally feel my heart growing in love. I loved Greg so much. Loved Emily so much. And to fall so quickly in love with this new little guy, it actually made my chest hurt.

But this pregnancy has had a beauty all its own because it was a complete surprise. We thought we were done having babies. It was tough to accept that another was on the way. But the process has been like slowly falling in love. I have realized that I am so glad to have another chance at this. That I'll still have time to experience pregnancy, birth, and a newborn.
Little one, you've already smitten me, just like your siblings. And I have yet to see your sweet face.
You're making my heart grow...again!

Just an update

2009-05-18T11:11:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to post that we are doing well.
We have two weeks of school left; we're trying to bust out all that we need to learn before we do our end of year testing. The kids are little learning machines! Emily is going to be NINE next month! She is trying to master her multiplication tables and has started division. She's a little smartie, as always. Kaleb is reading well, but would still rather look at pictures. He always grasps math concepts with ease that I think will be difficult to teach. Just like Daddy.
Avery is also a little learner. It's hard to believe she just "turned" 2 1/2. She knows almost all of her letters and can look at, for example, three apples and say, "there are three apples." She's going to be a fast learner, I think.
And last week Levi started taking his FIRST STEPS! My baby is starting to WALK! He gets in two, five, sometimes ten steps before he gets excited and knocks himself onto his bottom. But he still feels like a baby to me. I know that will change when he isn't THE baby, so I'm holding on to this time when he's the littlest.
I am feeling well. Feeling like I'm carrying a girl (no, we still don't know what we're having), which means that I'm feeling more miserable than my boy pregnancies. Must be the overload of girl hormones. While I'm feeling healthy, I'm more irritable and weepy than normal. My last midwife appointment was Friday. I'm not quite 34 weeks. The appointment went well. The weight gain is taking its toll on how I feel. I lost ten at the beginning then gained thirty, bringing my total so far to twenty. That's one of my bigger pregnancy gains, at this point anyway. I'm hoping to gain no more than five between now and the delivery. It's just too exhausting to carry all of that extra around!
The baby is extremely active. You can see the "alien" moving around in there! Head was down on Friday (yes!) so I have a little bottom protruding just above my belly button and limbs that feel like they are wrapping around my torso! Maybe this little one will be tall!
Okay, that was just a quick update.
Lots going on, as always!

Eating away...

2009-05-06T08:31:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that I am insatiably ravenous at this point in my pregnancy, this post is not about my appetite. It's about something far more serious...

I need a maid! It's not that the housework is impossible to keep up. I could do it. It's my energy level and the fact that I'm so spread out among the needs of so many people.

So at this point, I'm surrendering to the fact that at any given moment there are usually at least two chores eating away at me in the back of my mind. I got Greg off to work this morning, made breakfast for the kids and got everyone dressed, then I spent an hour cleaning the upstairs bedrooms and decided to take a 15 minute break. Here I am. School starts as soon as the break's over. And the two things eating away at me are the load of towels in the dryer and the stack of papers here on the desk.

And eat away they shall.
8:40...time for school...

Levi Turns ONE!

2009-04-28T07:51:00.000-04:00

You're always told when you have kids to "enjoy them...they grow up so fast." I really have tried to keep that in mind these 8+ years of being a mommy. This past year was no exception.
Sunday was Levi's, my baby's, first birthday. All of their first birthdays have crept up on me, but this time was crazy. It felt like four, maybe five months had gone by since the day we welcomed him into our family.
We spent the afternoon at the botanical gardens' water play area. It was the hottest day so far this year. Levi didn't want to hit the fountains too much, but he had a blast watching his siblings run through the area.
Oh, and he loved his first taste of birthday cake!
Sweet baby, I'm so glad you're a part of our bunch!

Bliss...

2009-04-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

I have the best husband in the world. It's not a matter of opinion, it's a fact. If you knew him the way I do, you'd agree. I seriously hit the jackpot on that chilly day in October 1997 when that first handshake started it all.
We knew about the conference months ago. Greg would need to go to Washington, DC for a week to attend sessions upon sessions set up for math teachers and their supervisors. (He's so smart...can you imagine? A convention center full of math nerds?) He had the idea for me to join him for a night or two. I was nervous to leave all of the kids, something we haven't done in...well, too long. He left Sunday afternoon with his colleagues. I was to join him the next day.
Monday morning came along. I had four little backpacks all ready to go. My suitcase was packed. I dropped off Levi first, the hardest one to leave. I bawled when I got back in the car with the other kids. Half an hour later, I was on the interstate, alone in the rain, wondering if I was making the right choice leaving them for two full days.
I DID! Greg and I spent 41 hours together without anyone calling us Mommy or Daddy. With the exception of a couple of hours that first evening, the weather was beautiful. The hotel was INCREDIBLE. We ate and ate at places we could never bring the kids to. We walked hand in hand through the National Mall and a couple of Smithsonians. All by ourselves. We were able to enjoy each other all day long on a level that's just not possible when you're pushing strollers, breaking up fights, explaining your surroundings, and feeding four other people while trying to enjoy your own food.
Wednesday morning, it was nearly impossible for me to leave the hotel. I had to force myself to get in the car and drive away.
Thank goodness I have such great kids to come home to.

He gets home on Saturday. It can't come fast enough...

Do Not Attempt

2009-04-19T08:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I forget that I have as many children as I do. Maybe it's not that. Sometimes I forget that I have a couple that are as young as they are.
For so long, I had just Emily and Kaleb, and life was simple. I had a 5 and 3 year old. We could try to do quite a bit. Sometimes I think I still can.
Like yesterday...
Emily and Greg are gone on their semi-annual father/daughter Indian Princess campout. Usually on these weekends, I am in survival mode. Recent inspiration (I'll share...maybe next post...) encouraged me to really enjoy the other kids and spoil them a bit this time around. I may have also been driven by the fact that tomorrow I leave to spend two days alone with Greg in Washington, DC...alone...alone...alone...something we haven't done in the year since Levi was born.
Anyway, I spent the evening taking a beaming six-year old Kaleb all over town, watching him light up at each surprise stop. He made me promise not to tell what we were doing; he wanted to be surprised. It was SO cute! We started at the gym. Mommy needed a little cardio and they just love the Kidzone, for whatever reason. We went to Cici's pizza. What is it about that place that kids love so much? Avery and Levi were as good as I could ever expect them to be...the place was mobbed and even I felt overstimulated. Kaleb was allowed 3 desserts.
We went to the grocery store to buy a car he's had his eye on. Doesn't sound all that excited but he was overjoyed.
Then we went to the new Regal Theater that opened up this week, just down the road from our house. They had men in tuxedos and cheerleaders welcoming people at the door. Balloons everywhere. Free popcorn and soda. Kaleb didn't know what to do with himself. We stood in our place in the concessions line, ten people from the register. This is where the fun began. Levi was in the umbrella stroller, and started to lose his patience. It was his bedtime when we got there and he wanted everyone to know it. Avery started trying to push him around. This is about when I started getting the pity looks. I was oblivious to the fact that this task may seem impossible for a bulging-bellied woman, her six year old, two year old, and almost one year old.
We finally made our way into the theater. Monsters vs. Aliens, here we come...Oh, and by the way, Avery has these weird phobias, like little jumping dogs, bugs, and...loud noises. They must have had the volume to the max. She started freaking out. The theater was small. It seemed like we were three feet from the giant screen and blasting speakers. Oh boy.
I spent the first hour of the film consoling Avery, whose screams eventually subsided to every two to three minutes. She was on one leg, insisting that I keep one arm tightly around her. My other leg and arm was busy with Levi, who decided he loved the movie and loved climbing all over me during it. We all went to the bathroom halfway through. One glace in the mirror showed me that I looked how I felt. My ponytail was just about on the side of my head.
We reentered the theater. Avery sat in the stroller and sucked her thumb. Levi fell asleep on my lap. Ten minutes of peace and the movie was over.
I can't believe it didn't send me into labor.

Kaleb said it was the best night ever.
Thank God...

Eleven more weeks...really?

2009-04-16T07:52:00.000-04:00

So today marks 29 weeks pregnant. I still haven't posted preggo pics; they're coming...
I know I've spent the majority of the past three years pregnant (25 of the past 37 months!) but I don't remember this setting in this early...
I'm beat!
I just feel like I'm counting down the seconds until I can once again leap into bed and rest my big-bellied self.
I still have a long way to go!

Timeless

2009-04-10T08:16:00.000-04:00

A sick baby and the shock of being thrown back into reality have prevented me from a long needed post until now.
I spent four sweet days in the dry flatlands of West Texas last weekend.
Now...I need to confess that I was a bit nervous as the time grew closer. It had been YEARS since I really spent time with the girl who, in high school, was growing out of my hip (and we went to different schools!) Our communication, for the most part, has been limited to email over the past three or four years. While she has kept the same sacred place in my heart, I had to admit that a lot has changed over time.
The changing started when I left for college and she still had two years left in high school. I began a new life with all new people, halfway across the country.
Two years later, she started at that same school. Problem was, by then, I was back home. I had met my husband and life was changing. By the time I was married, she was in the throws of single college life. She had her single girls and her cute apartment full of roomates. When she graduated, I was pregnant with my second baby. The year she was married, I was considering schools for my oldest. And before I knew it, she was pregnant and off to Texas. It has seemed like we were moving along, passing each other with a quick HI here and there.
As last weekend approached, I started to wonder...do we even have anything to talk about other than old times? Could we really spend four days together and have it not seem a little weird?
My fears were put to rest the second I saw her. Everything and nothing has changed. She was exactly what I needed and hopefully my attempts to help her out were successful.
Nothing can change true friendship. I am sure of that now.

I told Greg, "It's like we're the same old friends but we have a new fresh friendship, more grown up."
After hearing our conversations in her living room, I'll bet her husband is convinced otherwise...

I feel an ulcer coming on...

2009-04-02T15:17:00.000-04:00

The combination of pregnancy heartburn and the excitement of the week have got me wondering if my stomach is eating away at itself...and yet here I sit with a glass of lemonade.

Today is my last day in Richmond. Tomorrow I take my trip with Levi to Texas to visit my Tina. So excited.

As I type, someone is sawing the wall out between my kitchen and dining room. I just signed for our granite slab. I will come home to a slightly more modern kitchen, and a mess, I'm quite sure.

Greg had a job interview today. Not sure if we even want it...God knows...

Holy moly...for a girl who's a bit addicted to routine, this is throwing me for a loop!
Oh, I feel the burn...ouch...

Dragging...

2009-03-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if it's the extra weight, the extra blood volume, the fact that had an extra workout this week, or what...
But I'm dragging...
I would love nothing more than to head into my dimly lit bedroom with a book and a big glass of water and be alone for a day or two...
PLEASE don't let me be getting sick!
PLEASE don't let the rest of my pregnancy be this way!
Whatever it is, it needs to pass...
phew...

The countdown begins!

2009-03-26T07:40:00.000-04:00

Seven more days...that's it...
In one week, little Levi and I will be driving to Norfolk and hopping on a plane to Texas.
I realized a little over a month ago that one of my closest friends' kids was turning three and I hadn't really spent time with her since he was weeks old.
I'm very guilty of taking advantage of "easy" friendships, using the excuse that "we are always able to just pick up where we left off...isn't that sweet?"
NO MORE!
It's time for a break from all of the "Mommy...mommy...mommy"'s that I hear daily. Instead, I will relax, enjoy some much needed girl time, and actually nurture one of the most important relationships in my life.
Woo hoo! I can't wait!

Going up...

2009-03-24T12:04:00.000-04:00

I had another midwife appointment this morning. It was actually quite enjoyable to get up, shower, dress, leave the kids with Greg and head out into the chilly sunshine all by myself. I am 26 weeks this week, with only another 1.5 weeks left until my last trimester. Holy smokes...
I stepped onto the scale to find that the inevitable had happened. I gained five pounds this month. Yikes! My midwife, who steers clear of discussing weight during pregnancy, did give some advice for me to "make better choices", something I rarely think about during pregnancy. I've never gained more than 20-25 pounds, and never cared too much. It's afterward that's tricky.
I'm writing this next bit for myself and for anyone else that sees me heading into an ice cream shop (Stop me!):
The breakdown:
Month 2: -5 lbs. (I was SO SICK!)
Month 3: -3 lbs. (Still sick)
Month 4: +3 lbs. (Feeling a bit better)
Month 5: +5 lbs. (Feeling a little too good)
Month 6: +5 lbs. (Still feeling good and eating everything in sight)
That puts me at +13 lbs, at only six months...okay, Heather...easy now...
Let's hope I can report a measly one or two pounds next month so I don't have to buy all new pants after this baby's born...

Learning

2009-03-23T09:19:00.000-04:00

It's a busy day so this post is going to be quick and to the point.
Yesterday's message was one I needed to hear.
We've been studying Colossians at church on Sundays. The past two weeks have been on Colossians 3:18-19, the familiar, "Wives, submit...Husbands, love..."
While spouses have been abusing these verses for centuries, we took a look at the context of the gospel when you consider what leads up to those verses. It revealed something I've never realized before. I won't get too deep into it, but you can hear the messages in their entirety here: http://redemptionhillva.blogspot.com/ The messages were from 3/15 and 3/22.
Ironically, I was out last Sunday, when the wives were addressed, and Greg was out yesterday, during the message for the husbands. Normally I may be a little upset about that, but not this time. Turns out I needed to hear the message for the husbands. I know...weird, right?
I needed a good slap in the face to show me what my husband's been working so hard at lately.
The husbands were given much encouragement and many challenges. The basic idea is that husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loves the church. What does that really look like? Sacrifice. Servanthood. Nourishment. Grace. It is not a love based on performance or what is deserved.
Over the past couple of months, Christ has shown me what His grace really looks like. How has He done it? Through my husband. More and more, I'm seeing examples of how my husband puts me first. It makes me want to put him first. How he forgives me and loves me, not what I do for him. It makes me want to do more. How he loves me unconditionally. It makes me want to drop my conditions.
And that's what God's love can do for us when we realize its magnitude. It makes us want to love Jesus in a more authentic, more passionate way. If we stop looking at ourselves and our own ideas of love, and focus on His love, it is clear how our opinions of love are skewed.
As Christ loves the church...not as I love. Thank goodness!

I miss you, my friend...

2009-03-20T09:33:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a sad day. While rinsing out the glass carafe to my coffee maker, I accidentally smacked it against the sink.
This morning I dragged myself down the stairs, a baby in my arms, a toddler holding my hand, and a protruding belly full of baby...to find my poor coffee maker, void of its most important component. I nearly cried.
Within the hour, I had all four kids out in the cold car and took a little drive to Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee. If only our Starbucks had a drive-thru. I'm officially an addict. And a pregnant one at that.
As I sit here enjoying its warmth, there's a part of me that misses Western New York, just a little bit. What do I miss? Timmy Ho's...we need you here! Nothing is the same!

2009-03-17T16:41:00.000-04:00

We did it. We rented the movie that all Christian couples are either raving about or critiquing. Last night, Greg and I watched Fireproof. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical before watching it. I mean, a Christian movie about marriage? Just didn't really sound like an edge-of-your-seat-can't-miss-it blockbuster. Even during the first five minutes, I had to let go of the "the acting isn't that great, this is going to be cheesy!" attitude. Doing so allowed me to receive an amazing message.
I actually loved it. I think it has a lot more to do with what God has been doing in my own heart and marriage than anything else.
I have spent ten years married to a guy that I always knew was a good guy. I have always admired his zeal for God and ministry. I have also been jealous of it. I have appreciated his dedication and determination to accomplish anything he sets his mind to. Sometimes. Other times I get just plain frustrated over it. Not sure why.
So for ten years, I looked at HIM for everything from affirmation to security to provision. Always critical, always frustrated. I wanted a robot, someone who wouldn't fail me. Someone who would always say the right thing and put me above EVERYTHING else. Sheesh...
Unfortunately, it took ten years for me to see what I was really doing. And even then, it's been somewhat gradual.
The simplest way to put it is this: I have always seen myself as the victim of all that's around me. Greg is supposed to rescue me from it all. If he doesn't, it's because he "doesn't get it".
WHAT? How about realizing how blessed I am and being thankful to the point of tears that I have such a great guy to share it with?
That's been the big change. Instead of fighting all that I wish he was, all that I wish I had, I'm seeing more and more of how lucky I am. Goodness, I could've ended up with anyone. Thank you Jesus for giving me EXACTLY who I've got. And thank you for keeping him here when what I really deserved was for him to run out the door.
Watching the movie last night was very emotional for me. It was like God was saying, "You see? This is what I have been trying to tell you!"
When I got married I was 20. I was oblivious. I had crazy expectations, which led to serious disappointment. Poor Greg!
Finally, at 30, I'm realizing a bit more of what this marriage thing is all about. And boy, it's far from what I thought! Less romantic, sure, but also so much more amazing than I ever thought it would be.
While watching the renewal of vows scene during last night's movie, I thought back to my wedding. I thought back to the person I was at that time. I wish I could go back. I wish I could have been the wife that Greg really deserves. I wish I could have given him so much more over the past ten years. I am thankful for the opportunity to change. And, hopefully, to give him fifty more years with a wife that sees him for who he really is.
God has been good. I am incredibly lucky.

Praying for my babies...

2009-03-13T09:10:00.000-04:00

Last night, I spent 2 1/2 hours in the middle of the night cleaning up after a sick two year old. Poor sweet Avery threw up five times. Thankfully, it wasn't much each time. She has only thrown up once before, about 3-4 months ago. We were in the car one morning, about to run errands, and this time, it was a terrible mess. She still talks about it ALL THE TIME, definitely traumatized.

As I lay in bed just a few hours ago, half asleep, between her little episodes, I thought about how little of our children's lives are really in our hands. I had no way of stopping her from getting sick (and scared) other than praying that God would soothe her.

We have come to a major decision-making phase in our parenting lately. We need to decide things we've never had to consider so deeply. Emily is officially in her "tweens" (seriously?), and is into things like High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers. We've had to carefully guide her in fondness of these things.

And, here it is, I am going to say it: We are trying to figure out what to do for their schooling next year. This fall, I will have three little ones under three years old. Dear Lord! Homeschooling is just not going to happen. We have enough distractions as it is.
This has been hard on me. Four years ago, I wanted nothing to do with homeschooling Emily. I thought, like most people do, that I could never possibly give her what she needs, or have the patience to do so!
I was wrong. Homeschooling my kids has been the hardest but most rewarding thing I've ever done. I don't always do the best job, I'm sure, but I have had the honor of being with them every single day. I have been there for the aha! moments when they just "get it" with reading or with a math concept. They have grown in their love for each other by learning together. We are a closer-knit family than we would be if we didn't spend so much time together. And I have been able to protect them from more than I'll ever know.

Now, here we are, about to send them out "into the world" for school for the first time. My Emily, the socialite, will love it. But will we love the fact that she's hearing and seeing things that she'd never experience here in our home? And my Kaleb, he's so sweet and innocent still...will it all end when he's "out there"?

Just as I did last night, hoping and praying that Avery wouldn't be sick or afraid, I am learning daily to trust my little ones in God's hands. It's a cliche that has never been so real before. I know that he cares for them on a level that I can't even begin to grasp, why wouldn't I trust that? Still, it's so hard!

It's so much easier when they're in the womb...

Ups and Downs

2009-03-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

We've found ourselves in a bit of a roller coaster ride this past week. Not in a dramatic, live or die sort of way. Just in a twilight zone sort of way. The past twelve hours have pretty much summed up the whole week. Let me explain:
A couple of weeks ago, Greg declared it officially spring, and therefore, time for spring cleanup in the yard. We spent two Saturdays attacking our heavily-treed half acre lot (it often seems like several acres), and it was well worth it. After a couple of months of winter (although VERY mild winter compared to what we had each year in Buffalo), the kids spent ALL day outside both weekends, worked their little hearts out helping, and loved it. Ahhh, spring in Virginia...and it wasn't even March.
That's what we thought...
..until last Sunday.
Jack Frost hit our area hard. We hit the grocery store Sunday afternoon, along with every other person in the Richmond area, and fought off crowds for the last gallon of milk. It was insane. We sort of laughed, not knowing what to expect after spending our third winter here and not witnessing more than an inch snowfall.
That night, into the next morning, our house got about eight inches!
The kids spent 48 hours sledding in our backyard, at the sledding hill, cross country skiing, you name it--winter sports galore. The schools were closed Monday through Wednesday, with a two hour delay on Thursday. Holy cow. When it rains, it pours. (Or maybe, when it snows, it...whatever...)

How funny that we had 50 and 60 degree weather on Thursday and Friday.
How crazy that it was in the 80s today. Sweating and dehydrated at the playground, just a few days after our arctic blizzard. Total twilight zone.

I say that the last twelve hours have summed up the roller coaster week because it was an example of our ups and downs smashed into one day:
We spent the night as a family at the home of good friends along with another family. It was great and I may blog about it soon. Anyway, this morning, all of the kids went for a walk up and down the street, the big kids pushing the little ones in strollers (...don't get all worried, if you saw the area you'd understand that I use the term "street" loosely. More like giant driveway...) and all three couples had some quiet time over coffee and banana bread. It was a blissful time that comes along far too rarely. We went to the playground and took the kids out for ICE CREAM instead of lunch (first time ever...definitely not the last).
We got home, dropped everything, Greg worked peacefully outside, and the rest of us took a nap. Then the roller coaster hit its freefall.
We had someone show up to look over our house to give us an estimate on some work, unannounced. It would normally be fine but my house has probably never been messier. I met him in my pj's and messy hair, and then scrambled around trying to straighten up. I threw dinner together, our family ate, Greg took the older two to a basketball game and I cleaned up what appeared to be an entire taco salad and pot of rice from under the dining room table. I took the littlest two upstairs, cleaned out the tub, started running their bath, and Avery appeared next to me. She was holding a wipe and a hunk of poop. Not hers--Levi's. She removed his diaper, tried to wipe him off, and he crawled around, leaving a trail. This all happened in 30 seconds, right behind me! I got that cleaned up, set Levi on the bathroom floor next to the tub, and he peed all over the floor.
Yep, back to reality.
Sadly, the morning of bliss was the true twilight zone time for today, not the crazy few hours I had this evening.

Time for an hour or two for Mommy. I think I'll eat watch a chick flick and wait for the other monsters to arrive so it can all start over again before I hit the sack.

Ode to midwives

2009-02-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that some may think this whole idea is a bit fanatical and unnecessary. Fine. To me, it's a huge deal. Say I'm crazy...
In the past three years, my comprehension of childbirth and all of its possibilities has expanded greatly. Somewhere around this week in 2006, Avery was conceived after quite a few unsuccessful months. I started seeing a naturopath doctor after learning that my thyroid hormones could be off, and that a hormone imbalance could certainly be related to infertility. I had also started spending time with a homebirth midwife, something unheard of at the time in my social circle in Western New York.
When I found out I was pregnant with Avery, I was determined that her pregnancy and delivery would be different than my first two. One of these days I will sit down and write out each of my birth stories (I promise myself!), but it would suffice to say that the first two were very medically managed. Some prefer it that way. That's totally fine! But for me, I knew I wanted to fully experience the birth of my third child in a different way than my others.
The plan was to try and have baby #3 at home. The kink in the plan was that we had just moved in with my mom so that we could sell our house and "prepare for whatever was next" (we didn't realize it was Richmond). I spoke with my friend, the homebirth midwife, and was excited but also VERY afraid.
To make a long story short, when I was six months pregnant, we moved to Richmond. (Gosh, I have a great story about God's providence...next posting, I promise...)
I ended up going with a midwife that worked in a brand new hospital where they allowed labor in tubs and everything. My husband, my unborn baby and I all fell in love the moment we met her. She delivered Avery. The birth still wasn't what I "dreamed" it could be, but it was getting closer to the idea.
Then came baby number four...
Levi's pregnancy was pretty easy. I was extremely busy with homeschooling the oldest two and having an infant/toddler underfoot (Avery was 17 1/2 months old when I had him), and I found solice in books about midwifery. Weird, I know, but I connected with him in a deeper way while he was still on the inside through the experience. Magically, I "got it" while reading these books. I understood what is "supposed" to happen to our bodies in childbirth and how these women in remote countries survive birth after birth, far from the nearest epidural. I felt in my spirit that I had the instincts that I needed to deliver.
On April 26, 2008, my opportunity to put all that was in my heart to practice arose.
I labored all night long the night before at home. I slept a little, I walked around, I showered and checked my hospital bag, Greg and I even walked around the neighborhood at 4 am. No big deal. Uncomfortable at most. By mid-morning on the 26th, I knew I was going to the hospital that day. Around noon I needed to stop what I was doing to concentrate through the contractions. Still not to the point where I was screaming in pain or anything. I trusted my body. I trusted the process.
By the time I got to the hospital (I think it was around 2:30?) I had to stop three times between the car and Labor & Delivery for some pretty strong, but not dreadful, contractions.
The contractions got REALLY bad, like to the point of needing SOMETHING, a little after 5:00. Fifteen minutes later I started pushing him out. Badabing, badaboom. No medicine. Just a trust that babies are SUPPOSED to come out and that my body could figure out how to GET him out. That was that.

Okay, I wasn't planning on posting all of this...
But this morning, when I dressed all of my little ones, piled them all into a cold car an pulled them into the hospital, took them by the vending machine for some special pretzels and crackers that would keep them entertained throughout my appointment, lugged them all up to the office on the 6th floor, sat them down on the floor with their goodies and awaited the doctor (not the midwife today, just this once...) to have him come in and say, "Any questions? Nope? Okay, well, take care."
...I remembered how lucky I am to have discovered the gift of midwives. They are passionate about pregnancy. They love to hear and help with minor and major discomforts. They get you excited about the littlest details related to pregnancy. They spend more than 90 seconds in the exam room with you...

They have given me a greater respect for how God created me as a woman. I was born to be a mom. My body was created specifically to conceive, house, and deliver a baby.

I still can't believe I'm doing this all over again...